Comforter Bedding Sets : Bedding Sets : Target

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Vuxten walked quietly next to Sergeant Addox, listening in on the rest of the platoon talking to one another on the chat channel. They were either taking bets on how long the little green mantid had been in cryostorage or bitching about the taste of the nutripaste or their water.
All good.
Addox stopped in front of the door that the little green one pointed at before settling back down on the top of Addox's helmet. Vuxten checked and saw that Addox was running his internal heat at three degrees above normal and raising the threshhold for dumping heat into his heat sinks or deploying the small cooling fins.
"Past. Open and there," the little greenie said. It settled back down and began gnawing on the beef jerky that Casey had run up for him.
"Casey, crack the door," Vuxten ordered. He opened the channel to the rest of the platoon. "Everyone, weapons off safe but fingers off the trigger."
One by one the icons went to amber.
Casey knelt down and started working on the door, bypassing it in only a few minutes. It took a few more minutes to break the weld holding the door closed and Casey took a minute to lube the track the door was set on.
"Ready?" Casey asked, holding up the two wires.
"Ready," Vuxten told him.
Casey touched the wires together and the door slid open. Helmet lights and shoulder lights illuminated the inside of the room with harsh white light for the first time in millions of years.
"Mantid automation, man," Addox said softly.
The computer was obvious. Quantum systems, supercooled, the piping repaired over and over again. The dangling superconductor wires woven through everything.
Vuxten saw the "Phasic Control Maintenance Manifold" right away. Looking at it gave him a headache as the psychic shielding jumped six points. The system was complex, the shielding and casings removed on half of the equipment.
"Dropping my psychic shielding five percent," Addox warned. He gave a low grunt. "Wuff, I can feel the tingle across the back of my teeth."
"471, talk with your ancestor, check the system, see what you guys can do," Vuxten said.
--roger roger-- 471 sent back. --better have turkey for us--
"I'll have Casey fab you up some turkey jerky," Vuxten promised.
--casey use too much lemon pepper-- 471 said, opening the clamshell.
The psychic protection clamped down hard enough the little mantid's knees buckled for a moment. He shook his head, the other dozen green mantids following suit. He climbed down Vuxten, moving across of the floor to the electrical conduits.
--it appears to run off of some form of power-- 471 sent.
Vuxten laughed.
--checky checky-- 471 said. --we will see what we can see--
Vuxten watched the greenies check out the computer systems, the phasic system, the wiring on the walls. He moved over and leaned against a computer console, watching everyone get to work.
"He's asleep," Casey said, jerking a thumb at the green mantid on top of Addox's helmet. "Poor little guy has some serious freezer burn. Probably been in cryostasis on and off since the Precursor War."
Vuxten nodded, remaining silent.
Long minutes passed while Vuxten chewed a piece of gum and watched.
"Glory, do you read?" Casey asked from where he was standing next to one of the computer consoles.
"I read you, Sergeant. Line's full of distortion and interference though," Glory answered.
"How's your dataslicing? Any good at it?" Casey asked.
Glory chuckled. "I'm a DS, what do you think?"
"We've got a Precursor Era computer system here, VI run. Can you do your thing and, you know, take over the system?" Casey asked.
There was a pleasant laugh. "No can do, Casey. Your pipeline is wide enough for me to talk, maybe do some data exchange, but the interference would cause too many errors and your pipeline is too thin for my fat ass."
"Heh, first time a woman's ever complained about the width of my pipe," Casey laughed.
"I'm hard to please," Glory laughed with him. "I'll help what I can, but you're going to have to depend on the greenies. 680 was in Digital Warfare Corps before transferring to the Telkan Marines," she said.
"680, can you lead everyone into cracking that computer open?" Vuxten asked.
--easy peasy lemon squeezy-- 680 sent back.
The greenies crawled over the equipment, using access hatches designed for them but not.
-----------------
Cordexen sat in his command chair, staring at the console he had moved in front of him. He had traced, as best he could with only limited permissions, the areas where the servitor caste had stopped responding for a long period before responding again.
It was a wandering, meandering path from the Deep Ore Miner Maintenance and Processing Bay that led the empty area on his map that Cordexen knew contained the Hive Queens chambers, the primary phasic control system, and the facility's master control computer systems.
He wracked his brain, trying to figure out how the mere passage of the bipeds could be disturbing the servitors. Perhaps they left behind some of their numbers to be devoured?
No, that would be done by primitives, and primitives didn't fashion high tech combat armor or work Substance W.
Cordexen knew he should be alarmed by an alien species invading the facility but he honestly could not muster up the emotion to care much. If they destroyed the facility, he would be free. If they busted down his door and shot him, he would be free. If they destroyed the computer and the phasic system, he would be free.
No matter what happened, as long as it changed the unending status quo, he would be free.
"Warning, unauthorized entry to computer mainframe detected," the facility VI suddenly said. "Security control alert: unauthorized entry to computer mainframe housing."
"Open the door. I will examine the breach," Cordexen said, sitting up.
"Unable to comply. Message is as follows," the VI said.
Cordexen slumped in his chair as the Queen's words were repeated back to him.
"Unauthorized breach to..." the computer started. "Access granted. Welcome 'little teapot', admin access granted. Maintenance access granted. Power user group 'all your base' has been created."
Cordexen perked up again, watching his screen. Data was flowing by at an incredible rate, the screen's refresh capability actually being overloaded by the amount of data flashing. The VI kept reciting groups being created, access being granted to groups, power users logging on.
He watched as the facility actually posted a maintenance update to his screen.
Half of the facility was dormant. The cryopods were at critical. The power was running at one tenth power. Life support was at bare minimum.
He felt the heaters kick on, blowing warm air into the control room.
Cordexen slowly unfolded from his chair, moving over and standing under the vent.
He raised his face up, closing the armored eyelids, relishing in the warmth.
He imagined he was standing outside.
----------------
Klakeka stirred as the lights came on in his command center. He heard the environmental system kick in and felt warm air pour from the vent, enveloping him in a warm blanket of heated air. His monitor was showing a deep level scan of the facility's status.
"Environmental system lockout lifted by admin power user 'hip hop soldier'," the VI stated. "Nutripaste lockout lifted by power user 'delicious delicious turkey'. Facility lockout under review by power user 'all the electrons to my yard'."
Klakeka stared at the monitor as data flashed by almost impossibly fast. User groups he had never heard of were taking over systems, rebooting some systems, powering down others, powering up the rest.
"Power user 'Great and Powerful Zig' has issued autonomous mining machine recall and maintenance phase," the VI reported.
"Define user 'Great and Powerful Zig'," Klakeka ordered.
"Cannot comply. Message is as follow," the VI said and Klakeka started to huddle in on himself.
"Hi. My name is Technical Sergeant Grade Six 'proton movement in high gravity low temperature semi-solid strange matter' but you may call me 538. If you shoot at us we'll kill you. This facility is under lockdown by the Terran Confederate Military. Please keep all hands and bladearms inside the vehicle and remain seated at all times. Question and answer period will be after full facility control. The war is over but we'll still kill you if you resist. Turkey is delicious and we will share it with you. End message," the VI said.
Klakeka just stared. "Computer, replay message."
The VI obediently obliged, repeating it.
Klakeka frowned slightly, his antenna crossing slightly.
"Computer, define... 'turkey'," Klakeka ordered.
"Cannot com... data loading. Loaded," the VI said. It suddenly showed a picture of a fat strange looking fowl. The feathers flew off of it, the head fell off, and it suddenly fell in boiling grease. It emerged looking golden brown and covered with a light crust of ground up grain flour. The skin and meat was pulled away, revealing moist white meat that dripped grease and juices.
Klakeka found himself salivating just staring at the image.
The meat was ripped away and dropped to cartoon green servitors, who were all dancing with strange little icons replacing their eyes to display happiness.
"Turkey," the VI stated with authority. "Is delicious."
"I would very much like some," Klakeka said softly.
"Cannot comp..." the VI started to say. "Do not resist. Resistance will be met with 15mm high explosive armor defeating phasic enhanced antimatter kinetic rounds delivered in groups. Compliance will be met with delicious turkey."
Klakeka kept salivating, watching the picture.
Comply? I'll do more than comply. I will put on a hat and dance like a Vurkeent at a mating ritual for a chunk of that delicious looking meat, he thought to himself. It sounds much more delicious than bullets.
----------------
Abriketa petted the little green servitor in his lap gently. He was able to generate enough of a psychic field that through contact he could ease its anxiety at not working on the task it had been ordered to complete. Its chitin was dull and flaky, waxy and distressed, but it huddled up against Abriketa in the cold and dark of the command center.
"Someone please talk to me," Abriketa mourned.
"Cannot comply. Message is as..." the computer suddenly cut off. It had been spouting gibberish for the last few minutes and Abriketa had tuned it out.
"Hi. My name is 'P2=G1(M1m2/r2^3)3' which is the universal law of phasic strength over distance accounting for gravity but you may call me '680'," the computer suddenly said.
"I am Abriketa," he said. Part of him, ancient commands from a queen long dead, wanted him to immediately storm out and kill this '680', but he ignored it, the command no longer having the power to induce anxiety or stress. "One of the facility security commanders. What of you?"
"I am a Technical Sergeant Grade Five with the Terran Confederate Military, specializing in computer system penetration and protection," the computer stated. It sounded different, like the words were almost tumbling over one another despite the steady cadence from the computer. "I'm only dataslicing your archive records so I can spare attention speak with you while I carry out my task."
"Are you real or is this another hallucination?" Abriketa asked.
He had once suffered hallucinations for the entire time he had been outside of the cryopod, his brain taking him back to the time he was in the creche learning to be a warrior caste. Not that the VI had cared. It had merely put him back in cryosleep.
"I'm real, but that's what a hallucination would say, isn't it?" the voice answered. "Huh, rare earth mining, like we suspected. Interesting, the liquid nickle-iron core is nearly 11% rare elements, down from 14%. You've been busy. Oops, sorry. What do you want to talk about?"
"Who are you?"
"I told you already. Call me 680, it takes forever for you non-technical types to say my name and you sound dorky," the voice said. It repeated the longer name, only with an accent that made the name sound mangled and stupid. "So, how long have you been here?"
Abriketa exhaled slowly through his abdomen, slumping down slightly. "Forever. I have been here forever. Since the Atrekna released their great war machines upon the Lanaktallan and us both, betraying us."
"So the Atrekna fired the first shot? Good to know. Willing to talk about it?" 680 asked. "Hang on, you've gotta be miserable."
Abriketa nodded. "I am indeed miserable."
The lights came on and the fans whirred to life. Abriketa felt warm air begin to circulate and sighed deeply.
"I thank you, 680," the massive mantid warrior said.
"How long have you been in the dark?" 680 asked.
"Since we slew the queens. We did not know that they had prepared for that eventuality and they entombed us all here, for all eternity," Abriketa asked. "The phasic regulators allow the computer to give orders to the mantid as if it was a queen. I am unable to countermand the computer's commands to the servitor castes."
"That's interesting," 680 said. "So the servitor caste's higher brain functions are controlled and suppressed?"
"Without the phasic regulator the servitor castes would return to primitive hunter gatherer reflexes," Abriketa said. He gave a sigh. "I so wish they could talk. I have been so lonely."
"Don't move. We have to reset the system. It'll come right back," 680 said.
The lights clicked off and the environmental system went dead.
Abriketa didn't care, still petting the servitor in his lap.
Even if it had only been a hallucination, being able to speak to another after so long meant he would die happy.
--------------
"How's it look?" Vuxten asked from where he was sitting in a chair designed for a massive mantid.
Addox had a good dozen green mantids huddled on his shoulders, on top of his helmet, and on his legs as he sat on the floor. Some were shivering, almost all of them were munching on turkey or beef jerky that Casey had ran off his nanoforge.
Another green mantid came in, started moving toward the computer, passed within a few feet of Addox and stopped. Its antenna lifted and it looked around, almost as if it was waking from a long sleep. It moved over next to another one of its kind.
"Food?" It asked.
"Is good," the one eating said. "Is turkey."
"Here, little guy," Addox said, holding out a piece of turkey. The little greenie took it and sat down next to its brethren.
"How's it look, Sergeant Addox?" Vuxten repeated.
"Pretty good. The phasic system is on its own dedicated systems, the software is all hard encoded, no way to patch it. It's different than the phasic systems used by the Confederacy to ensure no queen pops up and slams a hive-mind down on our Mantid allies and members," Addox said. Several little green servitors were in his lap and he was carefully petting them with one armored gauntlet. The ones on his lap had eaten more beef jerky and then gone to sleep. "If we want to disrupt it, we'll have to blow it in place."
"What about the active mantids? Any data on them?" Vuxten asked.
Addox nodded. "Three warrior caste are awake, pulled from cryostasis. That represents over half of the remaining warriors. No speakers, no queens, looks like most of the warriors and speakers were killed attacking the queens. There's about twenty active greenies, but the computer keeps sending them in here. There's only about fifty more in cryostasis. The remaining ones have largely succumbed to cryo-shock."
"How long?" Plunex asked.
"They've been down here for longer than anything I've ever seen. I'd say the Precursor War. They weren't hatched later. From the records 680 pulled, it looks like the computer would wake them up for emergencies it couldn't handle then refreeze them," Addox said. He gave a slight shudder. "They're the oldest living things I know of, frozen and thawed over and over for over a hundred million years."
"By the Digital Omnimessiah," Plunex said softly. "Talk about endless torment. May the Grave Bound Beauty comfort the damned."
Vuxten noticed that Casey was off to the side, doing something with a hologram projection. He shoved himself off of the chair and moved over to Casey.
"What are you doing, Sergeant Casey?" Vuxten asked.
Casey didn't look away from the hologram. "Back when I met Peak, oh, a hundred or so years back, she worked in psyops. Memetic Warfare Division," Casey said. He adjusted the colors slightly. "You've probably seen her handiwork a couple dozen times."
"OK," Vuxten said. The image was blurry to him, looked like it slightly overlapped itself over four columns.
"Well, explaining concepts to these guys is going to be difficult. We want to make sure they understand if they try to fight us, even if they overwhelm you and your people with their psychic power, Addox and I will rip them apart with our bare hands," Casey said. "Now, funny thing Peak taught me about memes is something I'm going to put to work."
Vuxten waited a moment. Finally, he tabbed up another piece of stimgum and sighed. "What's the weird thing, Sergeant?"
Casey shifted an image slightly. "OK, the more text on a meme, the less effective it is. Nobody wants to read your blathering manifesto, they want to look, laugh, and move on, or get the data quickly. The less words you use, the better. If you have a dual meme, they need to be on top of one another or side to side, instantly comparable, not 'turn over' or 'next page' crap," Casey said. He adjusted some of the lines again. "Now, a properly done image meme doesn't need text to convey its message. In some ways, the less words the more information you can have in the meme."
"What's the weird thing?" Vuxten repeated.
"A good, properly done meme, bypasses language and cultural barriers, even species barriers. We might not know anything about them, but there is a way to communicate, and that's memes," Casey said. "680 is talking to one through the computer, but the language drift and syntax morphology is damn near insurmountable outside of the computer. I want to make sure my meme works right and we don't have to fight these guys."
"So you're going to meme the warriors to death?" Vuxten asked.
"More like meme them to life," Casey said. He laughed. "There's an old classic song I could parody, right there."
"Think it'll work?" Vuxten asked.
"Might be a good idea to try this before we blow up the mountain, sir," Casey said, turning and giving a grin. "If it doesn't, I'm pretty sure we just blow the geothermal in place and ride out on a tsumani of lava."
"Hardy har har," Vuxten said, turning away. "Let me know when your magic meme is ready."
"I'll need a map of the facility, sir," Casey said, his voice distracted.
"Then I'll make sure you get it," Vuxten said.
---------------
General No'Drak moved into the situation room, putting a cigarette between his mandibles as he moved up to the holotank. He'd managed to get a good night's rest and a meal, but once again duty pulled him back.
The Precursors were largely defeated. Mopup was down to the infantry units. The tanks and strikers were largely cycled back for maintenance and crew relief.
Great Most High/General A'armo'o was requesting complete refit of his tanks. More than a refit, a "Service Life Extension" performed on them to bring them up to "parity or near-parity with Confederate allied military forces" that would require the least amount of retraining for his troops.
No'Drak considered it for a long moment. The decision was his, all the way to deciding if he wanted to offer a place in the Confederate military to the Lanaktallan soldiers.
It had proven highly effective in the case of the Warsteel Herd.
General No'Drak thumbed the approval button.
Next up was priority and No'Drak stared at it.
A list of template requests from that psycho Casey.
The most recent one was a recon drone with holoemitters calibrated for Mantid eyes. It had to be able to problem solve navigation issues, among other things, but didn't require a VI since his data bandwidth was low and depending on spooky particle boojums.
Oddly enough, there had also been a template request for turkey meat with Mantid vitamin additions as well as beef of the same kind.
General No'Drak frowned.
What are you up to? he asked.
Next up was notification that his request for a full Elven Court had been approved and was enroute from Telkan with an ETA of less than four days.
After that was meteorological reports on the damage all the atomic weapons and the Precursors had done to the ecosystem.
Well, at least there's going to be living people to worry about their ecosystem, No'Drak thought to himself as he settled in and began reading the reports.
Behind him, Second Most High Ge'ermo'o entered. He slaved his monitor to No'Drak's so he could see what decisions the General was making. No'Drak authorized it with a tap of his bladearm almost absently, noting the radiation levels in the sea water was far lower than initial projections.
Ge'ermo'o sat and watched the data Smokey 'No was looking over and contemplating why the Treana'ad officer made each decision he did.
He was a most observant officer, he was sure he could deduce, given time and information, each of General No'Drak's command decisions and the reasons behind them.
------------------------
Cordexen opened his eyelids at the hissing noise. He looked at the door and saw the bright sparkle of a fusion torch cutting its way through the endosteel. It was a round half-circle, roughly the size of a russet servitor.
Cordexen reluctantly moved away from the air blowing through the vent and his fantasies of standing in a field of grass. He moved to his command chair and sat down, watching.
After a moment the metal fell to the floor. There was burst of mist and then the strangest thing rolled through the hole.
It had two tracks providing mobility. It was a large box with a row of infrared sensors with a pair of infrared projectors on each side to provide it with the ability to see. The little thing rolled into the middle of the room and shifted until it was facing him.
It suddenly played a little tune that Cordexen found pleasing. A mathematical arrangement of audible tones.
Suddenly a hologram flickered to life and Cordexen stared at it.
It was designed for his compound eyes to see clearly, the colors pleasing and well defined.
It was two columns of three pictures. Drawn, stylized pictures that made the subjects enjoyable to look at even if the colors were arranged in a slightly humorous fashion.
On the left it showed a warrior caste Mantid holding his rifle and pointing it at the door. The picture below showed bipeds and green servitors coming in and the warrior caste mantid shooting at them. The bottom picture showed the warrior caste mantid dead in the chair with little skulls for eyes and symbols of displeasure and sadness over the dead warrior.
On the right it showed the warrior mantid's rifle on the floor, the warrior mantid's arms and bladearms were lifted up. The one below showed the bipeds coming in and the warrior mantid holding a little stick with a square of white cloth on it and waving. The bottom picture showed the warrior mantid eating turkey with symbols indicating happiness around it.
They wish me to surrender or they will kill me, Cordexen thought. If I fight, they will kill me. They are familiar enough with my people to create this image. It can be clearly seen, the colors are pleasant, and the artistic style is stylized to be pleasing to me. They know my people and this message tells me that they will not only try to kill me if I resist, they know they can kill me.
He looked at the little robot and it played the tune again. This time the back opened and Cordexen flinched, expecting death to come from the little drone.
Instead it popped up a plas stick with a white cloth on it.
I would do anything just to see the sun once more, Cordexen thought.
He moved forward, picking up the flag from the little robot.
It made happy beeping noises.
The back slid open and steam billowed out. Cordexen jerked back reflexively. He could smell cooked meat, strange spices, and his sensitive antenna were almost overwhelmed by the first taste of something besides nutripaste he had sensed in lifetimes.
A cooked fowl raised up with a little triumphant tune.
"TuRkEy Is DeLiCiOuS" appeared above the little robot in maintenance runes. It turned and clattered away as Cordexen took his two prizes and returned to his command chair.
At the first bite Cordexen had admit the robot was right.
Turkey was delicious.
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Happy Lunar New Year's eve to all my readers who are celebrating and feasting! Some notes for clarity on today's post...
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Q: What is this story?
A: This is a spinoff that I have been dabbling around with for the last few months on and off, based on the events of a commission from last January: The First Juggernaut
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Q: Why haven't I seen this story before if the 4th chapter is releasing today?
A: This story falls under the category of "one shots", which is content made available, at least initially, only to certain subscribers of my patreon. I am making prior chapters available to everyone today both on my patreon and below.
-----
Q: I am a patron, where can I read the latest installment in the untitled goose snake saga?
A: I will be posting it to patreon shortly after finishing this post and I will link it at the bottom of this chapter.
-----
Q: I am a patron, why can't I read the latest chapter?
A: Latest installment is available to anyone supporting me to the tune of $10/month or greater. As with the prior chapters, chapter 4 will eventually be released to the public.
-----
Q: Is this considered canon for HEL Jumper purposes?
A: Yes, unless something explicitly conflicts with the HEL Jumper in which case I made an oopsie.
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Q: Who is Drake and what is this snake of which you speak?
A: Read on to find out!
-----
Chapter 1
September 17th 2035, Human Dreadnought HMV Resplendent Dawn, Shuttle Bay
“Mr. Thane! Good of you to join us here in Udanis. How was your journey? Uneventful I hope,” the incredibly tall, dark-skinned man called out across the cavernous metal room. Delta Division shuttles could be seen darting in and out of the space almost constantly, ferrying goods and personnel between the dreadnoughts, cruisers, destroyers, and support ships that currently made up humanity’s presence in what was, effectively, a star-system wide DMZ declared by the Ghaelen and enforced by humans. Unable to stomach the reality of warfare in hostile conditions against even more hostile foes, the ‘space elk’ presence had long since fled the system. Taking his bearings, the stockier, tanned individual with unkempt black hair and a civilian’s uniform nodded to the approaching figure.
“I’m afraid you have me at a disadvantage, Rear Admiral. Until just now I didn’t even know the identity of my destination. Though I understand the need for secrecy now that I’m here. Drake Thane, it’s a pleasure.” The two men engaged in a firm handshake, the squeeze of the palm a tried and true test of such men. Beta Division did not have many Admirals, and Udanis did not have many civilians.
“You’ll have to forgive Admiral Freidrich, but our resident Juggernaut seems to be giving him the runaround again. Victory will go to a young woman’s head though, won’t it?” the taller man laughed. “I am Rear Admiral Natori Kaczynski, at your service. And yes, that is a Beta Division insignia. Though perhaps you might be able to appreciate such a thing? After all, Delta called you out here too, didn’t they?”
“With all due respect Rear Admiral, I don’t even know why I’m here,” Thane replied. “Only that the pay is better than the FBI was offering.”
“Mmm, significantly better I’d suspect. The HEL does have its means,” Natori agreed. “Right this way then, Mr. Thane. Perhaps you’ll understand better once you’re brought up to speed. Ah, how rude of me!” the Rear Admiral suddenly exclaimed as though set upon by a novel idea. “Can I get you something to eat or drink?”
“I indulged in a ‘final meal’ on the transport, sir. But thank you,” Drake replied. Natori cast a knowing smile his way.
“Very good then. I see you packed light so let’s head to the nearest briefing room then. Mary?”
‘How may I be of assistance, Rear Admiral Kaczynski?’ the ship’s VI requested.
“Has a briefing room been set aside for Mr. Thane’s arrival?”
‘Yes sir, forwarding the location to you now.’
“Useful little tool, isn’t she?” Natori asked as he turned on his heel and led Drake straight in the opposite direction down the corridor.
“I’m only familiar with the civilian models, sir. The US government hasn’t gotten around to upgrading its systems yet.”
“Surprising absolutely no one, but perhaps we should be thankful,” Kaczynski suggested as he turned a corner and carried on, saluting various soldiers and support personnel as they moved at a leisurely pace. “Were it not for the bureaucratic incompetence of Terran governments, who would want to join the HEL?”
“That’s one way of looking at it, I suppose,” Thane agreed. “And while it may not be my place Rear Admiral, isn’t playing escort below your station?”
Natori looked him over with an appraising eye. “How tactful, but such is to be expected from a crisis negotiator I suppose. Allow me to assure you, Mr. Thane, the current situation is very much the concern of men like me.”
-----
Over the next couple hours, seated across a polished wooden table from one another, Natori reviewed with Drake the timeline of the pacification of Udanis IV, from the discovery of life in the system in early 2035, to first contact, and eventual full blown war by the end of May of the same year. The conflict had ended on June 6th, with the first truly successful battlefield deployment of Beta and Delta division’s latest collaboration, the Juggernaut program.
“So you brought me here to deal with Lieutenant Lavinaga, sir? Was it something about the, what did you call it, Queen’s nest operation? How many of those… stimulants is she still on?”
“No and yes. Fortunately, Lieutenant Lavinaga is quite well,” Natori replied, reaching for the pitcher of water and glasses in the middle of the table. He unhurriedly poured for them both, and the two men paused to soothe their throats. “While it is true that you were brought here to negotiate with veterans of this conflict… perhaps it’s better that I show you. This way please,” the Rear Admiral proposed, leading Drake on a short walk that nevertheless felt like a mile. The Marines and other combat personnel he’d seen up to that point appeared to be in high spirits, already swapping stories about gallantry during the operation while reminiscing fondly about the fallen. Maybe years later they might need someone like him, but not then and not there.
Eventually they arrived at their destination, given away by the fact that Natori was required to provide biometric identification in two forms as well as enter a combination PIN to pass through a set of imposing steel bulkheads. Drake recognized the area immediately as an interrogation facility, with the Rear Admiral escorting him all the way to the back. It was a cell constructed for long term confinement, and the two men found themselves alone in front of what Drake was sure was a one way mirror. The only other humans in the area were the Marine guards stationed back at the entrance. It didn’t help his nerves that they were in full armor intended for combat in hazardous environments. “Who’s on the other side of that wall, Rear Admiral?”
“Not who, Mr. Thane,” Natori corrected with an unsettling fire in his eyes. “But what.”
With the flick of a switch light suddenly poured through the opening, allowing Thane to see the interior of the spacious but barren room. “Jesus fucking Christ!” he whispered. “Are you mad, Rear Admiral?”
“Quite, Mr. Thane. But so are most who labor for the advancement of humanity. I daresay if you accept this job you’ll be rather similar.”
“I speak Farsi and Arabic, Rear Admiral. I deal with veterans of the Middle Eastern conflicts. What in God’s good name do you expect me to do with a Gorgon?!”
“An excellent question!” Natori agreed. “For starters I’d like you to see if you could bring us to the point where she does not spit acid at anything that moves. The fact that they store them in the approximate location of human mammary glands lost its humor… rather quickly.”
Drake swallowed heavily and took a closer look at the alien. Its entire body screamed danger to him. Natural rock-like armor covered its entire, serpentine form, which took after the Nagas or Lamias of human mythology. Her yellowish-green skin was the same color as the acidic environments of her homeworld, and her whiplike tail seemed to be constantly searching for something to coil around, or perhaps lash out at like a flail. “How long has she been here?”
“Since June 7th, Mr. Thane.”
“It’s been more than three months? Rear Admiral, surely this is in violation of… something!”
Natori licked his lips and hung his head. “This is why we sent for you, Mr. Thane. We have tried everything, and I mean everything, to establish some sort of diplomatic relationship, or even communication. She eats heartily and tries to kill us whenever she can. She is one of the only survivors of the Queen’s nest, and we believe that such authority will be key in any sort of eventual alliance.”
“You really are mad,” Thane whispered as Natori placed his hands behind his back and looked at the Gorgon.
“Am I mad for seeking powerful allies for our species, Mr. Thane? The Ghaelen possess powerful technology, but the price of its acquisition was steep. We will only bring ruin to ourselves if ‘galactic policeman’ is to be our role. Let our own country’s history be an example on that matter. No, one day we will come across a challenge we cannot surmount alone. I would much prefer it if the acid spitting snake women were on our side in that event, Mr. Thane. After coming this far, I hope you’ll at least humor me.”
“And Admiral Freidrich, sir?”
Natori met Drake’s eyes. “Approved this operation personally, Mr. Thane.”
The crisis negotiator breathed deeply and ran a hand through his mop of hair. “Just… how many people have died before me?”
“None, Mr. Thane! And I have no intention of making you the first.” The civilian shot Natori a dubious look that obviously conveyed his opinion on that particular statement. “Yes well, there were a couple of men who needed emergency medical treatment and reconstructive surgery, but we have equipment that is rather resistant to Gorgon acid thanks to their sacrifices, among many others. Shall I fetch one for you?”
“With all due respect, Rear Admiral-”
“Ah, you know what they say about that little lead in,” Natori chuckled, the casual hand on his hip indicating he fully understood why Drake had afforded him his ‘due respect’.
“Then you’ll have to consider the month-long journey to be my gesture of good faith. I’d like to see everything you have on the Gorgons, ideally in printed form. And yes, that includes the classified bits. I’ll sign whatever NDA’s you deem reasonable. And a cup of coffee… maybe two. You can keep your acid-resistant suits for now. I don’t think she’s going anywhere.”
After a moment of consideration, Natori offered Drake his hand again. They shook. “I appreciate your consideration, Mr. Thane. I will oversee the preparation of said documents, as well as the necessary security clearances. In the meantime you are free to observe our captive, though might I suggest taking a pitstop in your cabin first?”
“You’re the type to get mixed up in the affairs of his subordinates, aren’t you, Rear Admiral?” Thane ventured cautiously. Natori’s smile was different somehow that time, almost unsettlingly so.
“Perhaps your keen eye will succeed where I have failed, Mr. Thane? We will be in touch and Mary is, of course, at your disposal. Welcome to the Resplendent Dawn,” Kaczynski finished, turning quickly on his heel and departing, saluting the Marine door guards as he left.
“Apparently he’s also one to leave civilians alone with alien captives,” Drake muttered, looking down at the control panel for the one way glass. Left there was a post-it note, a vintage technology that still found itself in use even in the era of shield generators, FTL travel, and VI’s.
Don’t activate the two way functionality. We’re running low on materials to manufacture more polarized glass.
Thane chuckled in disbelief and ran a hand over his face, captivated momentarily by the holes he could see in the alien’s forearms, a natural biological gap between the Gorgon analogs of the radius and ulna. At least he assumed she had bones. “What have I gotten myself into?”
-----
As it turned out, the answer to that question was a bit more complex than one on one prisoner or hostage negotiation, something that became readily apparent after an hour or so of reading in front of the alien’s cell. The coffee was surprisingly adequate, as was the insulated mug that kept it warm as he labored. He would glance up on occasion to observe his subject, not wanting to fully depend on unreliable witness testimony, more reliable autopsy reports, combat records, and the gruesome video feeds from the suit of one Lieutenant Lanvinaga. If Kaczynski’s tale was true, and he had no grounds to assert it wasn’t, the alien before him had not only retained the will to live after more than three months in solitary, she also retained the desire to kill and fight. She was sane and hostile. That was more than could be said for some of the veterans he’d talked down in the past.
“Or failed to talk down,” Drake allowed with a mutter, shaking his head. Movement caught his eye and he refocused on the alien, watching as she curled up on herself only to adjust and re-adjust, picking at the rock-like armor that seemed to grow from her very body. Scratching his head, the human consulted several images that he would have rather not dealt with, various post-mortem shots of Gorgons that had been killed during the pacification. Very few sported natural armor to the level of his subject, but not because she was some sort of unique specimen. Near as he could tell the Gorgon before him was quite typical for her species, but her natural armor was jagged and reminded him of a volcanic rock field. Much of his reference material depicted Gorgons with relatively smooth plating that rested underneath manufactured metallic armor. “It’s worth a shot,” Than shrugged, noting that it was 21:00 shipboard time. “Mary, is Rear Admiral Kaczynski still awake?”
‘Good evening Mr. Drake Thane,’ came Mary’s synthesized but pleasant enough voice. ‘The Rear Admiral has retired for the evening. Are you experiencing an emergency?’
“No no, nothing like that,” Thane clarified quickly. “I’ll just leave him a message then.”
‘Very well, you may begin recording when ready.’
“Rear Admiral, this is Drake Thane. In the morning I’d appreciate it if you could track down a couple of rocks and an industrial sander for me. I have an idea.”
-----
“I believe I’ve waited long enough to sate my curiosity?” Natori stated as he watched Drake sanding down one surface of the chunks of Udanian crust he’d been given.
“Fair enough. How familiar are you with the anatomy of beavers, Rear Admiral?”
“How familiar are you with the anatomy of beavers?” Natori barked with laughter. “Oh I definitely picked the right man for this job.”
“Save that for when I actually get somewhere, sir. The answer, I suppose, is that I’m familiar enough to know that beavers don’t just cut down trees to build themselves shelter. Left alone long enough without anything to gnaw on their teeth will continue to grow and grow, injuring or even leading to the death of the animal. These Gorgon appear to possess the same quality when it comes to their natural armor,” Thane postulated. Natori’s eyes lit up.
“You propose a gift?”
“I hope you don’t mind the loss of a belt sander,” Drake said shortly.
“Let’s not wait then. Her first meal of the day is scheduled around this time.”
“Good enough for me. Where’s this suit, the one that will stop me from getting my face melted off?”
“Storage locker on the left. We haven’t personally delivered anything for some time, so be prepared for resistance,” Kaczynski warned. “She seems to consider eating her meal off the floor worth the chance at an attack.”
“Duly noted,” Drake replied in a tense voice, finding a heavily fortified hazardous environment suit that would have looked more at home on a space walk where the Admiral indicated. A short time later, sweat beading on his brow, he unlocked the door to the Gorgon’s cell. The moment he entered, the alien puffed out her chest and spat a stream of sickly green acid from her mouth. Though the attack was exemplary in its aim and velocity, that also made it relatively easy to dodge if one was willing to simply drop to the floor. Well protected as he was, Drake did just that, squashing whatever manufactured nutrient cubes had been intended for her. In return, he chucked the first rock at her, earning a momentary reprieve as the alien tried to process the fact that one of the legged beings keeping her hostage had thrown a rock at her. It was enough time for him to roll the second one to the base of her body, a couple feet below where her torso met her tail, which carried on behind her for a good six feet or so. The fact that the second rock was ‘presented’ instead of ‘chucked’ was not lost on the alien, but that didn’t prevent her from compressing the venom sacks in her chest again.
“Oh for the love of-” Thane cursed, retreating out the door as the second biological attack splattered onto the surface just behind him. To his amazement, Natori was applauding even as two Marines rushed at him with decontamination equipment.
“A magnificent swan dive if I’ve ever seen one, Mr. Thane! And before you believe I’m having a laugh at your expense, come look at what our guest is already up to.”
At Natori’s insistence Thane shucked the enviro-suit as quickly as he could and returned to the one-way mirror. There, he could see the Gorgon ignoring her smushed breakfast entirely. After a brief contemplation of the rocks that had been given to her, she began banging at her own body with one of them, chipping off pointy bits of rock that clearly agitated her. At least Drake considered it could be fully fledged rock; he had no idea if aliens producing natural rock armor atop their own dermis was reasonable. Whatever it was, it was certainly tougher than keratin. The Rear Admiral ran a hand over his short, close cropped hair. “I would certainly call this progress, Mr. Thane. What is your next step?”
“To see if I can get her to look at a human for longer than a second without trying to dissolve him,” he replied tersely. “Do you have more of those rocks?”
Natori cocked a brow his way. “Mr. Thane, this is a Delta Division Liberation-class dreadnought. We have plenty of rocks.”
Chapter 2
“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” Drake Thane cursed, hauling himself to his feet after another harrowing trip into the Gorgon’s cell. She had accepted his gift of rocks, but had not made any sort of connection between the smooth and jagged varieties, instead using both to chip away at and then grind down the excess armor growing from her skin. That was how she spent most of her days when not eating or attempting to fight anyone who entered her enclosure. He had only been aboard the Resplendent Dawn for forty eight hours, but he’d read more than enough to make it clear that the Gorgon’s were highly intelligent and capable of advanced battlefield tactics. Humanity’s swift victory was primarily a technological feat, not a tactical one.
“Which leaves pride, an absurd amount of pride,” he muttered, debating whether to remove the helmet from his head and return to study or attempt something new. Exactly what, he did not know. Not willing to throw his life away or test the durability of the hazardous environment suit further, he began removing it in a process that took several minutes and assistance from one of the Marine sentries on duty. “Thank you. Let’s leave it out for now. I might try again later today.”
“As you say, Mr. Thane,” the Marine replied. “Not sure what you could do though. Nothing gets through to them.”
“Something will,” Drake insisted. “But I understand where you’re coming from.”
“Shall I inform the Admiral of this morning’s result?” the soldier asked
“No need. It’s status quo for now,” he said, heading back to the table that had become his workstation and opening up a portable computer he’d been provided with to review the various multimedia files that humanity possessed on the Gorgons. Ongoing attempts at communicating with the planetside populace had borne no fruit, with the various kingdoms going to ground the moment anyone tried to make contact. He had already checked once, but he double checked to make sure there were no records of torture, starvation, or unusual punishment of his current subject. He doubted they would have actually been logged, but there was continuity in the timetable. That was enough for him.
“How long can you keep this up?” he wondered of his new adversary. It was practically against the code of his profession to consider an interlocutor an enemy, but given that she had attempted to dissolve him without fail every time he stuck his nose in the door, he was willing to make an exception. “Yeah, don’t remind me. The answer is at least a couple months. At least the coffee’s still hot.”
Caffeine in hand, Thane instead opened up various combat records. He did his best to avoid the more gruesome ones, but a few caught his interest. There were several instances where gear had been retrieved and the combat logs analyzed to discover that the deceased had been engaged in one on one combat by individual Gorons, sometimes in the presence of entire enemy units. “Dear Lord in heaven,” he muttered. “They’re going to make a movie out of this, if it’s even declassified.”
The ‘this’ in question was a helmet recording from a Marine private who had been surrounded by an enemy platoon. With no ammunition remaining, he had fixed his bayonet and stood to face his death with courage. Instead of immediately spitting acid at him or ganging up on him, one of the Gorgons had stepped, or was it slithered, forward. After a long moment that took Thane’s breath away, the Marine realized that the spear-wielding, armored alien was challenging him to something of a duel. Most remarkable was what happened when the Marine proved victorious, ramming his bayonet into a gap between the alien’s armor and bringing her down in a writhing mass of rock and flesh after several minutes of testing each other. The remaining enemies retreated, and the victorious Marine had survived the hostile environment of Udanis IV long enough to call for backup.
“Only problem is I doubt I could land a hit on her to save my life, even if she’s unarmed and unarmored… well, no extra armor,” he mused. The idea of asking another to fight in his stead was equally unpalatable, especially since he wasn’t sure the Gorgon would submit to anything short of death. “This is getting me nowhere.”
Recognizing his own limits, Drake sorted his affairs and left the interrogation bloc, wandering around the ship and letting his mind drift until he drifted right into an imposing blonde soldier whose rolled up sleeves revealed several mechanical interface points embedded in her arms. “Who the hell are you?” she demanded.
“Drake Thane, crisis negotiator. I’m here at the request of Admiral Freidrich and Rear Admiral Kaczynski. It’s an honor to meet you, Lieutenant Lavinaga.”
“Christ, is it that fucking obvious?” she asked, glancing down at her arms. “Guess it is. You lost, Thane?”
“Physically? No. But maybe you can help me? I’ve got a bit of a Gorgon problem,” he admitted.
“The survivor? Should just space her if you ask me,” Lavinaga said dismissively. “Assuming you want that thing alive I’m not your woman.”
“And what if I want someone to go in there and wear her down so I can actually attempt to communicate with her and not get a face full of acid?”
“And I thought I was insane,” she laughed.
“It’s my job at the moment,” he shrugged.
“Would I get to wear my armor?”
“Of course. Don’t see how else you’d survive. You're still mostly flesh and blood.”
“I’m going to let that insult pass cause it’s been way too long. She’s in the interrogation cells, right? Meet you there in a few.”
“I actually don’t have approval for this yet,” he admitted. “I just had the idea when I ran into you.”
“Well you don’t worry your little head about that, Drake,” she simpered, clapping a hand down on his shoulder so hard he thought his collarbone might fracture. “You let me handle those Admirals.”
-----
Drake didn’t want to know how Lavinaga had gotten permission, but true to her word she appeared in her full star spangled glory about an hour after leaving him in one of the Resplendent Dawn’s many corridors. The hum of the ship and overhead lighting was drowned out by the heavy footfalls and hissing hydraulics of her suit. When she reached his side, the visor of her helmet slid open.
“You have no idea how awful this feels,” she said affectionately. “So, what do you need me and Ares to do?”
“I don’t really know. Just wear her down enough that I can show her how this works without dying,” he suggested, holding up the portable belt sander he’d used to smooth over a few rocks that were now the sole possessions of the Gorgon. Lavinaga just shook her head.
“If that’s what you want. Should be fun. I wonder how long she can go,” Lavinaga said with a bit too much anticipation in her voice. “Well, enough standing around! Let’s go see if she remembers me.”
Drake readied himself at the observation port as Lavinaga hefted her enormous shield and casually threw open the door to the cell. “Sup bitch? Long time no see!”
Thane watched, horrified, as the Gorgon assaulted the Juggernaut with a zeal and fury that she had never shown him. Her venom sacs were depleted within seconds, only scratching the paint of the wall of metal that made up Lavinaga’s shield. She threw what rocks she had and slammed her tail against the hulking monstrosity to no avail, the borderline psychotic laughter of Lavinaga her only reward for her efforts. Sweat dripped from Drake’s brow as his thesis slowly proved itself correct and the Gorgon’s blows slowly weakened and became lethargic. The juggernaut drove the point home by casually pushing her to the ground after about half an hour. “Now why don’t you just get comfortable down there? You’re lucky someone other than me is running the shots or I’d be testing my boot against your skull,” she warned.
“Lieutenant please, we don't know how much of our language she understands,” Drake said over the intercom. “Thank you for your restraint. I’ll be right in.”
On account of the mobile metal wall that stood between him and the broken alien, Drake steadied himself and managed to summon enough courage to enter the area without any protection other than the jeans and shirt he was wearing. In his hands were two stones and the sander. The Gorgon watched his every move, her acid green eyes still alert even as her body failed her. With no acid left to spit, she bore witness to him demonstrating the ability of the sander to grind down and polish rock. He didn’t belabor the point. Instead setting the tool down a couple feet from her. “I want to talk,” he said before turning to leave with the juggernaut. “Lieutenant, whenever you’re ready.”
“You eggheads think up the craziest things,” Lavinaga shrugged. “Am I allowed to taunt it again?”
“Please don’t.”
“Fine, but only because you’re handsome,” she insisted when they were safely outside. “Oh, also you owe me a few beers on account of the time I’m about to spend in the armory. See ya, Thane.”
Drake was so struck by her antics he barely had time to rush back into the cell when he was the Gorgon lifting the tool he’d left her to the one place on her body she had no armor, her neck. “Stop!” he roared, snatching it from her grasp before leaping back several feet as his brain finally caught up with what his body had done. “Why? You’ve been trying to kill us all for months!”
The alien’s eyes were narrow and downcast, and bits of her natural armor littered the cell where they’d been broken against the unyielding armor of Lavinaga’s suit. Small areas of her body were discolored, a deeper green than the rest. He could only assume bruising. “Maybe I am fucking insane,” Drake admitted, walking forward and turning the sander back on. “I didn’t defeat you, so I’m not going to be the one who kills you.”
The Gorgon hissed violently at him, but was unable to physically harm or stop him from grinding down and polishing one of her shoulders. With no other recourse, she simply refused to look at him instead. When Drake left, he took the sander and every rock with him, not wanting to leave her anything that might be used as a tool for suicide. As soon as the door to the cell closed, his legs gave way and he collapsed to the floor, feeling only the racing of his heart and the damp cling of his sweat-soaked clothing to his body. He did not return to the interrogation blocks that day.
-----
“You wanted to see me, Rear Admiral?”
“Yes indeed, Mr. Thane. I daresay you did something, I’m just not sure that something was good,” Natori explained as Drake entered the interrogation wing the next day, having spent more time than necessary grooming and feeding himself. His mind weighed heavily with the pain he’d inflicted upon his charge. The language of the Gorgons remained an inscrutable mess of low pitched hissing and other sounds, but hopelessness was a universal concept. It seemed that their captive was finally allowing that darkness to permeate her mind and influence her actions. Per Kaczynski’s report, gone were the consistent attacks against those bringing her food as well as efforts to eat it. “I am not usually one for threats, Mr. Thane, and I don’t precisely intend this to be one but I know you’ll likely interpret it as such. We cannot afford to lose her. Her potential is too great.”
“I understand, sir. I’ll head in right away,” Thane replied, acknowledging the Admiral’s concern. Instead of stopping by the locker containing his protective gear, he instead grabbed his coffee and walked straight to the cell door. Natori held out a hand but remained silent.
“Well I suppose I did threaten him,” he mused, nevertheless ensuring his sidearm was loaded, a round chambered, and the safety off. Precautions in place, Kaczynski settled in to observe what he was sure, one way or another, would be an eventful ‘session’ with the prisoner. To his most welcome surprise, Drake Thane managed to enter the cell and stand just past the threshold for several moments without getting attacked, dissolved, or impaled. The man took a long draught of his coffee before jerking his head upward in a moment of recollection. The Gorgon watched him all the while, almost unblinkingly, as he left the drink on her untouched breakfast tray and retreated to retrieve the portable sanding device he’d used on her the prior afternoon. He paused to speak with the Rear Admiral.
“Well, I’d call that an improvement,” he insisted. “You ever notice what it smells like in there?”
Natori cocked an eyebrow his way. “I can’t say that I have. I assume you’re about to share?”
Drake shrugged and tilted his head. “Nearest I can describe it is the Devil’s perfume, like if fire and brimstone smelled appealing, or at least rather inoffensive.”
“How curious,” Natori replied, leaning slightly to the right so he could look around Drake. “Though perhaps we should ruminate on that once we secure your coffee?”
Drake spun around fast enough to tweak his neck, finding the Gorgon with his coffee in hand. Her long, thin, black, serpent-like tongue was extended several inches and lapping at the dark brown liquid. The two men stared. “Has she ever been given coffee before, sir?”
“Just water, Mr. Thane. Curious as I am, I would like you to go and stop her now.”
Thane needed no further encouragement, bolting back into the room to snatch back his drink. The Gorgon replaced the disposable lid and offered it to him. Her eyes were still as menacing as ever, but the telltale contractions of her chest muscles that foretold a gout of deadly acid were missing. He tentatively reached out and accepted it, earning a low, complex hiss in return. Glancing down, he pointed at her untouched meal and then the sander. The Gorgon cracked her whip-like tail against the ground in frustration but complied, taking the food to a far corner of the room and beginning to eat piece by piece. Her eyes never left him even during her retreat as she demonstrated a rather remarkable ability to slither backwards.
Drake figured that was good enough, sitting against the opposite wall and opening his coffee. While it didn’t seem any different, he wasn’t about to take the chance that an alien with venomous pseudo-breasts didn’t produce oral toxins. Instead he stood again and approached her, keeping both hands on the cup so as not to arouse suspicion. He deposited it next to her and then returned to his position. With a curious hiss the alien opened the lid and, instead of continuing to drink, dipped the tip of her tail into the still slightly steaming liquid before continuing with her meal.
“What in the world?” Thane whispered, watching as the greenish skin underneath the Gorgon’s natural rocky plating shifted to a yellower hue, starting from the tip of her tail and moving slowly upward towards her body. The color change didn’t get all the way there before stalling out, but she seemed pleased with it to the point that upon finishing her meal she actually pointed to him, then to the sanding tool in his hands, and finally to her other shoulder. Unheard by the two of them, Natori threw his head back in laughter, amazed at the transition from murderous adversary to an imperious giver of orders. Drake shrugged but saw no reason not to comply. He’d been planning to attempt such a maneuver anyway as a further showing of good faith following the Lavinaga incident.
When he stepped within arm’s reach of her, the Gorgon straightened her torso and held out a thin, armored hand and poked him in the sternum. Even her fingers had the potential for danger with their rocky nail-like tips. Her other hand rested on her chest as she hissed a particular pattern of sounds twice in a row; she then poked him again. He nodded. “My name is Drake Thane. Sorry I can’t understand you.”
Undeterred, the Gorgon simply lowered herself back onto her coiled tail and presented her shoulder. She hissed again in a softer tone as Drake activated the sander, taking another glance at his coffee which now seemed to be serving as a tail warmer.
“Might as well get started then. You clearly have quite a bit to teach me.”
Chapter 3
Available to the public on my patreon here due to reddit's post size limit.
Chapter 4
Available to select patrons here

(2020) I’m Thinking of Ending Things
Charlie Kaufman seems unrelentingly obsessed with tearing apart and exposing the male psyche. It’s something I love about his films but it also can be depressing how much I relate to them.
Runners- up: Possessor Uncut, Nocturne, Invisible Man, The Rental, Relic, Palm Springs, Shirley, Becky
(2019) The Lighthouse
The story in this film is shrouded in mystery but the clues and tools needed to decipher it do exist and with a rewatch, finding them felt so rewarding. It’s the kind of movie that I want to make my friends watch, simply so I have someone to discuss it with. It’s one of the best horror films I’ve ever seen.
Runners-up: Little Monsters, Furie, I Am Mother, Glass, Crawl, Ma, Godzilla: King of Monsters, Us, Color Out of Space, Ready or Not, Midsommar, Zombieland: Double Tap, The Head Hunter, Parasite, Villains, Swallow, Nimic, The Head Hunter, I Trapped the Devil, Pet Sematary, Guns Akimbo, Harpoon, Annabelle Comes Home, Vivarium, It Chapter 2, Zombieland: Double Tap, The Color out of Space, Joker, Come to Daddy, The Lodge, Home with a View of the Monster, Ready or Not, The Platform, I See You, The Vast of Night, John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum
(2018) The House That Jack Built
In my mind, this is Lars Von Trier’s masterpiece and Matt Dillon’s best performance to date. It’s hands down the most fun, engaging, darkly humorous, disturbing, bleak and creative film I’ve seen this year.
Runners-up: Annihilation, Apostle, The Bad Seed, Summer of 84, Mandy, Upgrade, Calibre, Hereditary, A Quiet Place, Bird Box, Lords of Chaos, Head Count, The Witch in the Window, Dragged Across Concrete, Braid, Climax, Incident in a Ghostland, Hold the Dark, The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then The Bigfoot, The Strangers: Pray at Night, Suspiria, Halloween, Monster Party, Bloodline, Gwen, Freaks, Overlord, Monster Party, Pledge, High Life, Possum, Wildling, The Nightingale
(2017) Mother!
Mother! is an incredibly conscientious statement on the nature of humanity, steeped in religious allegory. The last 30 min or so makes up for any weariness over the pacing. It’s one of the most intense, impressive sequences I’ve seen in a horror film in the last decade. The absolute perfect icing on the cake for what is such a masterful dip into surrealism.
Runners-up: Errementari: The Blacksmith and the Devil, The Endless, You Were Never Really Here, The Ritual, The Killing of a Sacred Deer, Creep 2, Brawl in Cell Block 99, It, It Comes at Night, Get Out, Tigers are Not Afraid, Jungle, Cold Skin, The Crecent, Pyewacket, A Ghost Story, The Bar, Ghost Stories, My Friend Dahmer, One Cut of the Dead, Marrowbone
(2016) The Wailing
The photography direction and cinematography are astounding. I could pause the movie at any given moment and marvel at an iconic photograph. This film had me guessing up until the very last moments. It’s exactly what I crave, an unapologetically evil entry into horror cinema.
Runners-up: Better Watch Out, Boys in the Trees, We are the Flesh, ‘Sweet, Sweet Lonely Girl’, Here Alone, The Girl with all the Gifts, Raw, Nocturnal Animals, A Dark Song, The Void, Split, Train to Busan, Arrival, The Eyes of My Mother, Blair Witch, The Good Neighbor, Don’t Breathe, Phantasm: Ravager, Swiss Army Man, Before I Wake, The Shallows, In the Deep, Are We Not Cats, Sam was Here, White Girl, The Lighthouse
(2015) The Witch
I really think it focused on expressing the idea of evil being a completely separate entity from god and that the characters in the film can do fuck-all about it. The incredible struggle that every single character is going through in this film is palpable in literally every shot. It’s astounding how well Robert Eggers was able to get this exposition across with such little dialogue.
Runners-up: Tale of Tales, The Gift, The Devil’s Candy, I Am a Hero, The Lure, Evolution, Hell House LLC, Landmine Goes Click, Green Room, The Visit, The Final Girls, Southbound, Baskin, Remember, Room, Jurassic World, Tag, The Invitation
(2014) Alléluia
It’s a gritty tale of heartbreak, loneliness, jealousy, greed and obsession. It’s just fucking real; the kills feel impulsive and impactful. It’s also shot in this dirty format where both killer’s (the woman’s more so) physical appearances degrade as the film progresses.
Runners-up: It Follows, Zombeavers, Interior, Backcountry, Dig Two Graves, The Taking of Deborah Logan, A Girl Who Walks Home Alone at Night, What We Do in the Shadows, The Voices, The Town that Dreaded Sundown, Wolfcop, Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead, Creep, The Babadook, Tusk, Girl House, Tusk, Honeymoon, As Above So Below, Life After Beth, The One I Love, John Wick, Spring, The Treatment, Clown, The Incident, The Guest
(2013) The Conjuring
One of the most established and refined supernatural horror films ever made. James Wan’s style is immortalized here and would go on to be imitated by dozens of other horror filmmakers.
Runners-up: Insidious: Chapter 2, Pee Mak, The Sacrament, Escape from Tomorrow, Oculus, We Are What We Are, Coherence, Evil Dead, Afflicted, Horns, I Spit on Your Grave 2, V/H/S 2, Bad Milo, Jug Face, Under the Skin, Blue Ruin, Evil Dead
(2012) Byzantium
This film really transfixed me on vampires until I was at a point where instead of fear and dread, I was really in-tune with that intense, multi-life spanning loneliness, rather than the violence. It’s really a tale of romance, even just the way it feels. There’s moving Beethoven piano music flooding a sort of neo-gothic atmosphere which, by the way, intertwined perfectly with the flashbacks throughout the film. It’s inevitable that a vampire movie would be grounded in classic elements of the sub-genre but Byzantium manages to push in its own direction, inspiring a surprising amount of mystery.
Runners-up: The Battery, Antiviral, Cosmopolis, The Collection, Resolution, The Conspiracy, Chained, The Bay, Vamps, V/H/S, Sinister
(2011) Sleep Tight
Luis Tosar puts on a sickeningly realistic performance that boasts up an already incredible script. His character is this unstable complex mess of depression, sadism and sociopathy. He’s the world’s worst nightmare, hiding in plain sight.
Runners-up: Scream 4, Take Shelter, Guilty of Romance, The Innkeepers, The Woman, Detention, The Rite, You’re Next, Kill List, Apollo 18, The Cabin in the Woods, Source Code, The Strange Thing About the Johnsons, Contagion, We Need to Talk About Kevin
(2010) I Saw the Devil
Jee-Woon Kim makes actions feel loud and crisp. Both the villain and our protagonist are powerful in their own right. It’s both intensified but also remarkably realistic. I get that that’s a paradox of sorts but I just mean, it’s just not what audiences are used to seeing. There’s not too much left to the imagination with this one in terms of the violent sequences.
Runners-up: Insidious, Trust, Trollhunter, Dream Home, Helldriver, The Crazies, Tucker and Dale vs Evil, I Spit on Your Grave, Inception, Buried, Skeletons
(2009) Dogtooth
Yorgos Lanthimos’s filmmaking style is darkly calculated with deadpan cinematography and tip-toeing dialogue thats minimalism only adds to its strangeness. I haven’t been made this uncomfortable by a film since Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom. Dogtooth offers a difficult, albeit alluring glimpse into a world of isolationism, abuse, violence and psychopathy.
Runners-up: The Forbidden Door, [REC] 2, The Collector, The Fourth Kind, Orphan, Drag Me to Hell, The House of the Devil, Antichrist, Zombieland, Jennifer’s Body, Cropsey, The Loved Ones
(2008) Let the Right One In
The way this film deals with both sexuality and immortality is genius. It’s a rotten dichotomy between pedophilia and loneliness that ends up being darker than the actual violence.
Runners-up: Cloverfield, The Strangers, Quarantine, Four Nights with Anna, Pontypool, Vinyan, Surveillance, Eden Lake, Martyrs, Lake Mungo, The Ruins, Lake Mungo
(2007) 1408
1408 captures the magic of The Twilight Zone and blends it expertly into the most horrific supernatural waterboarding experience.
Runners-up: 28 Weeks Later, The Orphanage, Hansel and Gretel, Funny Games, Resident Evil: Extinction, The Girl Next Door, Trick r’ Treat, Paranormal Activity, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, Stuck, The Poughkeepsie Tapes, An American Crime, Teeth, Death Sentence, Timecrimes, Zodiac
(2006) Inland Empire
Inland Empire is the most ambitious conceptual interpretation of Hollywood and film making that I have ever or could ever conceive. It challenged my mind for three consecutive hours and reinvented the way I interpret his films.
Runners-up: Fido, Sheitan, Severance, Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, Hatchet, Slither, Final Destination 3, Bug, Population 436, Children of Men
(2005) The Descent
The impassioned and realistic performances in this movie by every single female actress involved cannot be overstated. It’s absolutely terrifying and top-to-bottom, one of the most effective horror movies ever made.
Runners-up: John Carpenter’s Cigarette Burns, Noriko’s Dinner Table, The Call of Cthulhu, A History of Violence, Lady Vengeance, Funky Forest: The First Contact, Haze, The Skeleton Key, The Decent, Doom, Hostel, Strange Circus, Red Eye, Constantine
(2004) Shaun of the Dead
This movie is just wonderful. I find it hilarious on a personal level but also so intelligently funny that it could go down as one of the greatest horror-comedies of all time. Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost have an undeniable chemistry and just simply make an entire new breed of film-style. It’s dry, whimsical, crass, darkly funny and wholesomely endearing.
Runners-up: The Phantom of the Opera, Shutter, Dumplings, Three Extremes, Calvaire, Saw, Dead Man’s Shoes, The Village, The Butterfly Effect, Saw, Hellboy
(2003) Oldboy
Everything about this film is exceptional. It looks fantastic, the acting is fantastic and Chan-wook Park wrote an incredible story. I think when you try and sell a revenge movie to someone, it can imply some degree of formulaic filmmaking but Park’s films are anything but. This one had me guessing up until the very last minute.
Runners-up: Dead End, Open Water, Willard, Identity, High Tension, Dark Water, A Tale of Two Sisters, Gozu, House of 1000 Corpses, Jeepers Creepers 2, Scary Movie 3, Final Destination 2, Alexandra’s Project
(2002) The Ring
The Ring is a terrifying film that relies on an unstoppable force. It utilizes one of the few shining examples of a successful grey-scale and manages to convey a horrifying sense of bleakness and helplessness. It’s better than the original.
Runners-up: 28 Days Later, Blade 2, May, Dog Soldiers, Resident Evil, Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, In My Skin, The Eye, Irreversible
(2001) Pulse
How a horror movie can make ghosts infiltrating our world through the internet not stupid is beyond me but everything here just worked. For 2001, the visual effects for the ghosts are perfect and don’t steal the spotlight away from the emotionally driven horror that makes this project successful. I’ve yet to be more moved by a horror film, this one absolutely broke me.
Runners-up: The Devil’s Backbone, Frailty, Suicide Club, Visitor Q, Ichi the Killer, Trouble Every Day, Dagon, Jeepers Creepers, The Others
(2000) American Psycho
You won’t see a much better performance by Christian Bale; he’s top notch, however, the success is owed to everyone involved. It’s an excellent script, written from excellent source material and expertly directed by Mary Harron. This film is pure genius and it’s well worth noting that even if you’re not viewing the film under a super-critical lens, it’s highly entertaining.
Runners-up: Fail Safe, Ginger Snaps, Final Destination, The Gift
(1999) The Sixth Sense
I can’t praise this movie enough. It’s dark, depressing and only offers the humblest of reprieve in the end; much like what many of the films characters go through. This is M. Night’s masterpiece.
Runners-up: Arlington Road, The Blair Witch Project, Nang Nak, Idle Hands, Audition, eXistenZ, Sleepy Hallow, The Ninth Gate, Deep Blue Sea
(1998) Ringu
This is a benchmark in atmospheric horror and a film that spawned an entire generation of psionic horror films. It’s dark and heartbreaking.
Runners-up: Blade, Bride of Chucky, Phantasm IV: Oblivion, The Faculty, Disturbing Behavior, Pi
(1997) Lost Highway
This film is about how powerful the human mind is and how we cope with intense guilt, fear and regret. Specifically, in this instance, the compartmentalization of murder. Although that all seems inherently negative, especially in the context of the movie, it’s really just about confronting your issues; even if that means accepting your punishment.
Runners-up: The Devil’s Advocate, Funny Games, Alien: Resurrection, The Cure, Cube, Event Horizon, The Lost World: Jurassic Park, Men in Black
(1996) Scream
Scream just may be the best meta-horror film ever made. It’s so special to me and was probably the film that sparked my fascination with horror. I watched it the year after it came out, at 8-years old, alone in my dark basement. I shut it off after the opening scene with Drew Barrymore and never saw the rest until years later. However, if I had just stuck with it, it actually evolves into this darkly funny, poignant statement on slasher films.
Runners-up: Ebola Syndrome, Naked Blood: Magyaku, From Dusk Till Dawn, Crash, The Craft
(1995) The Addiction
This was Abel Ferrara’s extremely personal vampire film that tackled addiction and through the gritty melodramatic landscape of New York, he really sheds his skin. It’s raw and rightfully claims the best film of the year.
Runners-up: The Eternal Evil of Asia, Habit, The Day of the Beast, Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight
(1994) In the Mouth of Madness
Simply one of the best Lovecraftian films ever made. The special effects in this movie range from miniature set pieces shot up close to a full size 30-man operated partially animatronic wall of creatures. Some people will say that these 80’s style techniques hurt the production value but those people don’t know shit about shit.
Runners-up: Interview with The Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles, Cemetery Man, Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead, Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, The Mask
(1993) Jurassic Park
Jurassic Park is everything. This movie is the perfect blend of horror, action, adventure and sci-fi. It was the “fuck yeah, dinosaurs!” of many or our childhoods. As an adult though, re-watching it for the 50th time, it feels like so much more.
Runners-up: The Eight Immortals Restaurant: The Untold Story, Necronomicon: Book of the Dead, Fire in the Sky, Return of the Living Dead 3
(1992) Man Bites Dog
One of the strangest aspects to some horror movies is their ability to make light of ultra-violent crimes like rape and murder. Man Bites Dog will actually have you laughing out loud until you realize you’re in a kitchen watching three men rape a woman while she pleads for mercy. Whatever way you choose to digest this movie, I can guarantee you’ve never seen anything quite like it before.
Runners-up: Ghostwatch, Army of Darkness
(1991) The Silence of the Lambs
While the film does stand out in blatant, suspenseful, scary moments; it’s the conversations between Clarice and Dr. Lecter that make it so memorable. It just adds this timeless psychological horror element that helps establish it as a classic in my eyes.
Runners-up: Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky, The Addams Family, Sometimes They Come Back, Naked Lunch, Highway to Hell
(1990) Der Todeskin: The Death King
While often wavering between the blunt, literal message and depressive expressionism, Der Todesking manages to feel all too real. It’s one of the best arthouse-style horror films I’ve seen to date.
Runners up: It, Misery, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Jacob’s Ladder, Gremlins 2: The New Batch, Tales from the Darkside: The Movie, The Exorcist 3
(1989) Santa Sangre
Easily the most impressive aspect of this film is the ventriloquism inspired acting. It starts out as a goofy aspect of the plot, something that doesn’t really necessarily grab you. However, by the end of the film, it’s molded into this beautiful, creepy display of possession.
Runners-up: The ‘Burbs, Ghostbusters 2, The Woman in Black, Bride of the Re-Animator, Society, Intruder, The Cook, The Thief, his Wife & Her Lover, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
(1988) The Vanishing
The Vanishing is an absolutely raw tale of abduction, almost like a Norman Rockwell imagining of an American’s European vacation turned horror story. It takes this incredibly simplistic but underlying dynamic approach to horror that’s as refreshing as it is captivating.
Runners-up: Child’s Play, Dead Ringers, Men Behind the Sun, Pumpkinhead, Pin, Phantasm II, Brain Damage, The Following, Halloween 4: The Return, Beetlejuice, Akira, Hellbound: Hellraiser 2, Vampire’s Kiss
(1987) Evil Dead 2
Just from a technical perspective, everything is so fucking impressive. It’s all basically hand-done, practical effects and the camera work is just remarkable. The film leans more towards the humor side of the series but it does so both intentionally and gracefully. I adore this movie, it’s on par with the original
Runners-up: Hellraiser, Creepshow 2, Near Dark, A Nightmare on Elm Street: Dream Warriors, The Witches of Eastwick, Anguish, Prince of Darkness, Angel Heart, Fatal Attraction, The Believers, The Lost Boys
(1986) In a Glass Cage
It’s an incredible movie about consequence and revenge that’s told in a manor that I think bewildered reviewers for years. It blurs the lines between right and wrong, willing to sacrifice lives in the process of condemning an extraordinary evil. The specific breed of revenge, as portrayed in this film, isn’t noble but rather an inevitable product of abuse. If you think you can stomach it, I can’t recommend this enough.
Runners-up: Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, The Fly, The Hitcher, Blue Velvet, Night of the Creeps, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, From Beyond, Little Shop of Horrors, Aliens
(1985) Come and See
Come and See is a raw and sobering look at WW2 from the Soviet perspective. It’s one of the least “Hollywood” war movies I’ve ever seen. Some of the scenes towards the end were truly gut wrenching and will most likely stick with me for quite some time.
Runners-up: Lifeforce, Silver Bullet, Fright Night, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge, The Return of the Living Dead, Re-Animator, Day of the Dead
(1984) A Nightmare on Elm Street
This felt like a first glimpse into Wes Craven’s mind and the last glimpse into my well-rested sleep. It’s creative, vile and fucking scary.
Runners-up: Poison for the Fairies, Countdown to Looking Glass, Threads, Gremlins, The Terminator, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
(1983) Videodrome
Videodrome is a fucking trip and it’s an incredible feat of psychological horror while also being a visually horrific movie.
Runners-up: Something Wicked This Way Comes, Angst, The Day After, Special Bulletin, The Boxer’s Omen, Eyes of Fire, Christine, The Dead Zone, Cujo
(1982) The Thing
It’s one of the best sci-fi body-horror films ever made and the fact that no one is steeping up to say otherwise should be a clue.
Runner-up: Creepshow, Poltergeist, Cat People
(1981) The Evil Dead
I’ve wracked my brain trying to think of a good description. This is one of the most incredible horror films ever made. It manipulated both the body and time itself to establish such a pure horror environment.
Runners-up: The Howling, Halloween II, Dark Night of the Scarecrow, Ms. 45, An American Werewolf in London, The House by the Cemetery, Raiders of the Lost Ark
(1980) The Shining
Absolute perfection. This is such an enthralling psychological horror film.
Runners-up: Inferno, Hex, Altered States, Cannibal Holocaust, City of the Living Dead, The Ninth Configuration
(1979) Alien
A classic and possibly the best creature film ever produced. There hasn’t ever been a better blend of sci-fi and horror.
Runners-up: Salem’s Lot, The Driller Killer, The Brood, Zombie, Apocalypse Now
(1978) Invasion of the Body Snatchers
I love this fucking movie with all my heart, it’s seriously one of the best alien invasion movies I’ve ever seen. It’s drenched in dread from start to finish, a film that never gave you a safe moment to take a breath.
Runners-up: Beauty and the Beast, The Shout, Magic, Halloween, Dawn of the Dead, Slave to the Cannibal God
(1977) Suspiria
Its psychedelic, pastel, fun-house atmosphere, coupled with a fantastic score lend a benchmark aesthetic for Italian horror and well, horror in general. Many have tried to emulate it and most have failed.
Runners-up: The Hills Have Eyes, Shock Waves
(1976) God Told Me To
Cohen takes all this religious subtlety and blows it all up for the finale into a very Cronenberg-style conclusion. Despite all the veils seemingly being lifted at once, I still found myself unsure of what to think during some of those pivotal scenes. After the credits rolled, I was damn sure I was into it.
Runners-up: The Tenant, Carrie
(1975) Jaws
This movie actually made people scared to go in the water. It’s almost difficult to think of a more impactful film off the top of my head.
Runners-up: Deep Red, Shivers, Satanico Pandemonium
(1974) Vampyres
It’s dark, moody, sexy and offers one of the most unique vampire film experiences to date. It’s a film that makes Dennis’ idea from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia about a full-penetration, Dolph Lundgren crime fighting movie seem almost plausible. It plays with the dynamics of Vampire lore in general, while somehow getting to the true root of this sub-genre.
Runner-up: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue
(1973) The Exorcist
William Friedkin takes the time to let the characters accept their reality in a realistic manner. It’s a technique that creates a very human aspect to them and watching the mother and the priest break down actually becomes as horrific as anything else here.
Runners-up: The Legend of Hell House, The Wicker Man, Don’t Look Now, Soylent Green, The Crazies
(1972) Images
Robert Altman’s Images is an exhibition into how to fully encapsulate an idea within the confines of a visually and sonically refined film. You could throw away the plot entirely and I’d still tell you this is one of the best looking films, period.
Runners-up: Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key, Morgiana, What Have You Done to Solange?, Don’t Torture a Duckling, Raw Meat, Tales from the Crypt, The Last House on the Left, Horror Express
(1971) The Devils
It’s tough to tell how accurate of a representation The Devils is of what actually occurred in Loudun, France back then but either way, it seems eye-opening. It’s a very powerful film, I really enjoyed this one.
Runners-up: THX 1138, The Abominable Dr. Phibes, Short Night of Glass Dolls, The Cat o’ Nine Tails, Blade the Ripper, Malpertuis, A Bay of Blood
(1970) Valerie and Her Week of Wonders
I would absolutely consider this a coming-of-age film and they balanced the horror and whimsical elements perfectly. For that reason alone, I don’t believe I’ve seen any other film quite like this. With a tantalizing soundtrack and colorful visuals, I really felt transported into this strange new world.
Runner-up: The House That Screamed
(1969) Horrors of Malformed Men
I’ve never been so confused only to have everything wrap up so emotionally that the vision and artistic direction became so clear. I don’t want to ruin anything so I’ll just leave the teaser as, this film might be among the strangest Japanese horror films I’ve seen to date.
Runners-up: Cremator, One on Top of the Other
(1968) Hour of the Wolf
Hour of the Wolf is a top to bottom, beautifully produced psychological, surrealist nightmare. The first half of the film is fueled by pure intrigue through the perplexity of events that unfold. Like most surrealist films, a portion of your attention is devoted to figuring out what’s real and what isn’t. To speak to that aspect specifically, not a whole lot is left to the imagination, at least through my interpretation. I definitely feel like this project inspired filmmakers like David Lynch to push some of those boundaries, eliminating the extra explanation and leaving more up to the viewers interpretations.
Runners-up: Kuroneko, Rosemary’s Baby, Night of the Living Dead, Even the Wind is Afraid
(1967) Viy
This is the first and possibly only soviet horror film. For the resources they had, everything looks amazing. It’s an incredibly fluid experience that takes zero time before jumping straight into the scares.
Runners-up: Wait Until Dark, ’Spider Baby or, The Maddest Story Ever Told’, Our Mother’s House, Violated Angels
(1966) Persona
It’s instantly one of my favorite arthouse-style films of all time. All of the flashing images, cuts and effects are almost unbelievably purposeful. Just 5-minutes of this films would spell pretentiousness but as a whole, it’s a masterpiece.
Runners-up: Seconds, ‘Kill Baby, Kill’, Cul-De-Sac
(1965) Repulsion
Sonically the movie thrives in the negative. When our lead actress is being raped Polanski purposely takes her voice away, really emulating the fear and helplessness in a genuinely scary way. The delusions she’s having are clearly transparent but intentionally so, though they tend to bleed into reality towards the end in a satisfying way. Couple this with a claustrophobic atmosphere and we’re given a seriously trimmed up psychological horror thriller that was way ahead of its time.
Runners-up: Fists in the Pocket, Planet of the Vampires
(1964) Kwaidan
This is an anthology but rather than dissect each segment I’d rather just speak on the film as a whole. All four stories really encapsulate a sort of morbid beauty and tend to compliment one another over the course of the three-hour long movie.
Runners-up: Castle of Blood, Blood and Black Lace, The Tomb of Ligeia, The Masque of the Red Death, Lady in a Cage, The Last Man on Earth
(1963) The Haunting
The Haunting, despite being such an influence in the horror genre in general, seems to be an incredible lesson in use of space. Architecture, ceilings and walls are constantly the focus. Wise creates a ton of claustrophobic tension and before the story even begins to evolve, you get the sense that these individuals are indeed, trapped inside this house.
Runners-up: Black Sabbath, The Birds, The Haunted Palace, Twice-Told Tales
(1962) What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?
This film was fantastic. Beyond the poignant statement it makes, it’s just such a solid, performance driven thriller. I’m very surprised I’ve never heard of it before today.
Runner-up: Carnival of Souls
(1961) The Innocents
This is simply one of the most beautifully shot horror films from the early 60’s. Every frame is truly a picture and for that alone, I’d call this a must watch for horror fans.
Runners-up: Mother Joan of the Angels, Pit and the Pendulum
(1960) Psycho
There’s a scene where Norman Bates first shows real nervousness. The actor playing him, Anthony Perkins, puts on probably the most believable performance here that I’ve ever seen. It really gave me chills. If you haven’t seen this before, it just might be the first and greatest execution of a theatrical misdirection.
Runners-up: Peeping Tom, The Brides of Dracula, Village of the Damned, Jigoku, Black Sunday, Eyes Without a Face, The Virgin Spring
(1959) A Bucket of Blood
This is such an awesome Corman film. It’s pure entertainment and just an excellent horror-comedy. Dick Miller is a great lead.
(1958) Horror of Dracula
Both Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee are fantastic in their roles and it’s strange to even be saying this is one of the best Dracula films at this point, after having seen so many.
Runners-up: The Fly
(1957) Curse of the Demon
Certain aspects of the ending sequences don’t exactly age gracefully but for the most part, Curse of the Demon remains compelling and creepy.
(1956) The Bad Seed
Outstanding performances from both mothers and really just an excellent film all around. It’s probably the earliest film to tackle childhood evil in a realistic sense, without all the usual campiness.
Runner-up: Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Forbidden Planet
(1955) The Night of the Hunter
The film just looks fantastic, I mean seriously, it doesn’t get much better for the era. The depth for a black and white film is incredible, especially in the backdrops. It makes for some really iconic looking scenes and those moments are probably what I’ll hold onto as time passes. The underwater shot of the car was fucking stunning.
(1954) Rear Window
This film just feels like Hitchcock flexing. He knows how to make the perfect theatrical experience in technicolor with all the hottest stars.
Runner-up: Godzilla
(1953) House of Wax
House of Wax, much like other Price films, is meant to be fun. It’s definitely dark and horror focused but it’s also colorful and accessible. Phyllis Kirk is also a very capable female lead.
(1952) The White Reindeer
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Finnish horror film before but this was great. It’s super mellow but builds into this atmospheric horror-fantasy.
(1951) Strangers on a Train
This is such a fantastic crime thriller and I absolutely loved the character Bruno Antony. It added such a creepy element seeing this seemingly desperate man reveal himself to be something entirely different.
(1950) Sunset Boulevard
It totally brings a smile to my face to say this this is, yet again, another film that had to inspire David Lynch. It’s certainly film-noir but the melodrama itself is so creepily in-tune with the struggles of Hollywood actors and actresses. It’s almost as if acquiring fame is accepting a deal with the devil.
(1949) The Queen of Spades
Dickinson managed to capture the both literally figuratively cold vibe of imperialistic Russia and I think that’s one of the main components that makes it stand out to me. It certainly is an exercise in greed but within the setting you almost adopt an understanding for our main character, however devious he may be.
(1948) Rope
Despite a very straightforward plot, I can’t help but thinking there’s a ton going on in this movie, a lot of which was way ahead of its time. It’s not just about two men attempting to get away with murder but it also introduced this widely controversial notion of lesser lives being expendable to the more powerful sector of society.
(1947) Black Narcissus
This film is absolutely breathtaking. For anyone who’s ever considered technicolor to look fake, blown-out and oversaturated, this is a shining example of it done right. It’s an entirely created set with gorgeous artwork. This film so elegantly says what I believe religious detractors have a hard time putting into words. There’s a huge portion of the movie that’s confronting sexual temptation and it’s an aspect that’s woven into every single frame of this film. I mean that literally.
(1946) Bedlam
This film is hugely influential and may just be the first film to explore the horrors of being accused of insanity. It also happens to be pretty diverse between horror, cruelty, meta-humor and wholesomeness.
(1945) Dead of Night
This is a clear inspiration for The Twilight Zone and just the structure alone felt way ahead of its time. It’s a nightmarish journey adapting many horror traits but really building a foundation around surrealism. There’s just so much that stands out as influential to modern horror that I’m a bit surprised to have never heard of this film before. It’s one of the earliest examples of a film that initially inspired skepticism from strange acting, performances that ended up being integral to the heart of the film.
(1944) The Uninvited
The character relationships are comically whimsical and coupled with the upbeat score, I didn’t get really any “scary” vibe from it. It’s an aspect I didn’t hate though, it’s really what this film is about, the characters.
(1943) Shadow of a Doubt
Joseph Cotten’s character really stands out as the focal point of the film. Hitchcock manages to build suspense throughout the film my highlighting his presence in subtle powerful ways. Whether it be through camera framing or the subversive violent tone of his dialogue, you really feel tension whenever the man is on screen. It’s techniques like these that made some of his later films great as well, such as with Strangers on a Train.
Runner-up: The Seventh Victim
(1942) Cat People
Simone Simon is a fantastic lead and even with the short runtime, I came to understand her character rather quickly. Tons of anxiety as well as repressed sexuality sort of hone her into this timid and frighted woman who brings her own fears to life.
(1941) Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
As with any Jekyll and Hyde film, it all really hinges on the performance of the two and Spencer Tracy fucking killed this role. The first scene with him as Hyde in the bar was super creepy and also pleasantly rape-y. Is that weird to say?
Runner-up: The Wolf Man
(1940) The Invisible Man Returns
A young Vincent Price plays our perp this time and he’s excellent as always. It’s not paced exactly as intensely as the original but I enjoyed the steady decent into madness.
(1939) Son of Frankenstein
I probably should have watched the original Frankenstein first but eh, what can you do? I totally dug this though! Of course there’s that 1930’s cheesy sci-fi but the film as a whole is very entertaining and the set pieces are incredible.
(1938) They Drive by Night
This is a great fucking movie that totally embodies crime-noir. It reminds me a ton of early Hitchcock and for the 30’s, the narrative is spectacularly clean.
(1937) Song at Midnight
I wasn’t really looking forward to watching a 2-hour long remake of The Phantom of the Opera and thankfully, Song at Midnight managed to really set itself apart from the original, even more-so than many US remakes. I’d consider it more of a reimagining, a film inspired by the original. It is tedious but really, not overly so. A huge aspect of this film is character and tension building and in that regard, it really works.
(1936) The Invisible Ray
Man I love this movie. You obviously have Boris and Bela back together but it’s just such a legitimately fun sci-fi horror film. The plot is straight out of a 1950’s nuclear propaganda film which was probably the coolest aspect. With that, the effects are also fucking top-notch.
(1935) The Bride of Frankenstein
Boris Karloff is the only Monster in my mind. I would even consider this film to be family friendly as he’s the sweetest version of himself. There’s no really complex character development but The Monster is undoubtedly more self-aware which makes the entire film more engaging.
Runner-up: The Black Room
(1934) The Black Cat
When I thought of things that struck me that were worth mentioning, I actually thought of vacation-horror. Beyond all the elements of lust and innocence, I actually was struck by how much this film probably influenced destination horror films. These films excelled at taking our protagonists out of their comfort zones, before even introducing fucked up shit to the plot. It’s smart, concise and something I feel is even worth revisiting.
(1933) The Invisible Man
I’m absolutely floored by the production of this film. I went in with this preconceived expectation of the invisible man solely being portrayed wearing all the rags and shit. The effects for 1933 are very impressive.
Runner-up: King Kong
(1932) The Old Dark House
This is Karloff’s best look to date. I mean seriously, his performance is pretty muted and mostly expressed in body language but he has the same screen presence as Mickey Rourke.
Runners-up: The Mummy, Vampyr, Freaks
(1931) M
I feel like I, myself, never realized how far back people have been recognizing mental illness. I don’t mean in the specific and complex clinical sense, but more so, just in the obvious sense, certain displays that appeal to our natural, compassionate nature. Of course, in this film you do see the antithesis of that at times but really only to highlight the importance of law, reason and justice. Absolutely fantastic film and a staple in the horror genre with really the first truly dynamic killer that comes to mind.
Runners-up: Dracula, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Frankenstein
(1930) L’Age d’Or
It’s very much one of the earliest, full-length, surrealist films and with that comes the usual loose narrative that can be hard to follow. When I say hard to follow, it’s probably because it wasn’t meant to be “followed”. I digested this film as sort of an anthology of poignant criticisms by the filmmakers and Dali.
(1929) Seven Footprints of Satan
This film is fucking insane. It’s a super surrealist spiral through satanic-based situations. It’s really indescribable. The effects and cuts are excellent. I loved the restored version I watched. I don’t even know what to say. I definitely think this inspired or at least should be mentioned as a precursor to films such as Bergman’s Hour of the Wolf.
(1928) The Man Who Laughs
Some people might not know but this film was the direct inspiration for the ultra-famous DC comics villain, The Joker. It’s pretty fucking incredible how much people took to this idea of someone being disfigured in such creatively sadistic manner. I would absolutely, especially with the role of Cesare in The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, consider Conrad Veidt to be a horror icon.
(1927) The Unknown
It's a really fun movie. You’ve got Lon Chaney and he’s not just a modern day novelty in this. His expressionistic performance is actually the main highlight, even more-so than Joan Crawford.
(1926) The Bat
(1925) The Phantom of the Opera
(1924) Hands of Orlac
(1923) The Hunchback of Notre Dame
(1922) Nosferatu
(1921) Destiny
(1920) The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
(1919) Eerie Tales
(1914) The Egyptian Mummy
(1913) The Student of Prague
(1912) Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
(1910) Frankenstein
(1909) The Sealed Room
(1907) Satan at Play
(1906) The 400 Tricks of the Devil
(1905) The Black Imp
(1903) The Monster
(1902) Mephistopheles’ School of Magic
(1901) Bluebeard
(1900) Faust and Marguerite
(1899) The Sign of the Cross
(1898) A Trip to the Moon
(1897) The X-Ray Fiend
(1896) The House of the Devil
(1895) The Execution of Mary, Queen of Scots

Of all the casualties of the year from hell 2020, one sticks out for me the most.
Pearl Jam.
I had motherfucking PEARL JAM tickets. I was going to see them on the Gigaton tour, and they cancelled back in March.
You have to remember that this was before sports and gatherings were cancelled, well before any widespread loss of life. Back then, I didn’t know anyone sick from COVID-19, let alone anyone who had died from it. Hell, these were the good old days when nobody wore masks outside, and you couldn’t tell the flat-earth anti-vaxxer loser crowd from anyone else until they opened their mouths.
I gotta say, that concert cancellation felt like I’d been emotionally kicked to the curb. I had such high expectations and I was psyched. When it was cancelled, it was the first thing that really made COVID-19 feel real to me.
Of course, all the other shit that has happened since, and the unbelievable loss of life due to the disease makes this moment completely pale in comparison to our current reality. But in March 2020, this was my personal turning point.
Live music continues to be a casualty of the pandemic. At least my Pearl Jam tickets are electronic and the concert has just been postponed. I am hanging on to them in the hopes of seeing Eddie Vedder and the boys when the apocalypse is over.
So I can’t say that I was super surprised when my tickets to see The Black Keys that same month were also cancelled and my money was refunded. That one was like getting a kick to the gut when you are already down, but it wasn’t unexpected either. The shitty thing is while I still have the Pearl Jam tickets, The Black Keys ones just plain evaporated when the money was refunded.
Did I mention I miss live music?
It doesn’t look like we are going to get to see concerts any time soon (or at least not until the vaccines are out there in far higher numbers than today).
In the meantime, I am going to take us to enjoy the memory of my month of March 2020 that never was. That’s right, we are continuing our exploration of the Letter B. This week, we are going to check out THE BLACK KEYS.
About Them
What do you think of when I mention Akron, Ohio?
If you are anything like me, you said tires. Akron was the home of the American Rubber Industry at the start of the 20th Century, to the point where the city called itself ‘the rubber capital of the world’. Four major tire manufacturers were located there: Goodyear , Firestone, Goodrich and General Tire. In fact, much of the housing in the city was built in part by the rubber industry to support the workers.
So circular black round things are nothing new to Akron. But flat ones made of vinyl there are somewhat more rare. I know I was surprised to find out that Akron was also the home of Chrissy Hynde of The Pretenders, the 80’s new wave/punk band Devo, and this week’s rockin’ duo, The Black Keys.
Also, some guy named LeBron James is from there, but since he left Cleveland it is a sin to even mention his name.
Patrick Carney was born in Akron in 1980. His dad worked for the local newspaper as a reporter, and his mom worked for the city. His parents divorced when he was 6. His dad listened to all kinds of music and introduced him to many different genres. He lived part time with his mom and part time with his dad. Turns out, his dad’s house was right around the block from where Dan Auerbach lived.
Auerbach is a year older than Carney. His mom was a French teacher and his father smelt of elderberries was an antique dealer. It was his dad’s collection of old Blues records that infected young Dan with a love for music. He grew up with Bluegrass and Blues in a time when other kids were listening to Nirvana and Soundgarden.
As it turned out, there was a pretty strong musical background hidden in the neighborhood where both boys grew up. Auerbach, the cousin of one late great Robert Quine, was fated to meet Carney, the nephew of saxophonist Ralph Carney, who worked with the also late-great Tom Waits.
Or, going by genres… a combination of experimental rock and Blues/Jazz. Yep, sounds about right.
Their friendship first developed in highschool. Despite being in very, very different circles (cheer captain and bleachers soccer captain and social outcast) the boys found a shared interest in music. They began jamming in 1996, with Auerbach learning guitar and Carney playing drums (and recording with his shiny new 4-track tape recorder. )
Not much came from this until Auerbach, a fresh dropout of U of Akron, began touring. He tried to make a living doing small bar performances, but quickly found most venues would demand a demo tape. Auerbach reached out to the only person he knew who had recording equipment - Carney. Carney agreed, allowing his basement to be used as a studio while Auerbach found his bandmates.
Who, fatefully for us, never showed up.
The duo ended up jamming out in the basement. Their chemistry led to them producing a 6-track demo consisting of “old Blues rip-offs and words made up on the spot”. They sent this rag-tag demo off to 12 labels. Only one label replied: a small-time one out of Los Angeles called Alive. The year was 2002.
The duo needed a name. Their moniker came from schizophrenia - I kid you not. And neither do I. (We also don’t.) A mutual acquaintance, Alfred McMoore, would leave incoherent messages referring to the boy's fathers as “Black Keys” - you know, those piano keys like D-Flat or C-Sharp or B-SharpSharp. In March of 2002, the duo played their first live performance at Cleveland's Beachland Ballroom and Tavern, to an astonishing eight people. The duo needed a “big” release to make it “big”.
So, they had to “come up” with something “big”.
The Big Come Up (2002) is Indie as fuck. Much like their first demo, it was recorded entirely in Carney’s basement on an 8-track tape recorder. (If you are following along: Upgrades, people. Upgrades! !) It’s a mix of Blues covers and original tracks, and despite it’s roughness, it’s a beautiful example of the duo’s sheer talent. Honestly, the loose, rough-around-the-edges nature of this thing suits the music exceptionally well. Tracks like I’ll Be Your Man, Busted, and Heavy Soul are lo-fi, Bluesy blasts of distorted guitar, sultry vocals, and thinly mixed thumpin’ drums. What can I say - there’s an undeniable charm in simplicity.
And this big come up was not going unnoticed. The boys achieved some decent sales, and garnered a bit of a cult following. Critics started to notice them, and soon, they managed to land themselves a whole new deal.
That’s right, they were moving up in the world. The Black Keys started mowing lawns full time.
Truly, the dream job.
Look man, I said the sales were decent, not amazing. The duo still needed cash for the road, so they did what they could to make ends meet. Mowing lawns really paid off when they earned themselves a new record deal, this time with Mississippi’s Fat Possum Records.
Evidently, they completed their second album within mere days of signing. Possums are inspirational, what can I say.
2003’s Thickfreakness is every bit as Indie as their first album. It was recorded in the same style as its predecessors - i.e., Carney's basement on ye olde 8-track tape recorder. This time, however, all the recording was done in a single 14 hour session. Apparently, this strategy was necessary since the band had spent all of their advanced pay on rent. In other words, it’s basically a live album. It’s raw, it’s rough, and it’s rockin’ - and yet somehow, it’s as smooth as the petroleum jelly on its cover. Oh yeah. Thick AND freaky.
Actually, quick side note on the cover art of this album: the band had almost zero idea what they wanted to do for it at first. They drove around Akron searching for ideas, and only got one when they stumbled into a Super K-Mart. There, they found a can of Pomade hair styling cream, and were struck by inspiration. They rushed it home and took the image we all know and love by lighting it up with every lamp in their house. Patrick Carney’s hand is seen in the image. Now you know!
Any way, if you liked their first album, you’d love Thickfreakness just as much. Tracks like Hard Row, Set You Free, and the titular Thickfreakness are explosions of catchy riffs and Bluesy euphoria. Critics hailed it once again, and soon, The Black Keys were garnering even more attention than before.
Many compared them to the White Stripes, and not always in a positive light. There was a certain level of derision in the comparison, since both bands were duos from the midwest that played Garagey Blues Rock and had a color in their name.
Hmm. Okay, when you put it like that they sound pretty fucking similar. But I mean, it isn’t completely unfathomable that it happened twice…now, if I were to go start a band called “The Grey, Door-Unlocking, Straight Lines”, THAT might be a bit copyright infringe-y.
This also gave rise to their first big time advertising offer. They could have gotten £200,000 for letting a company use one of their songs in an English Mayonnaise Ad. Mayonnaise: the international benchmark for when you are hitting the big time. However, they turned down the offer in order to not be perceived as “Sell outs”. This may be foreshadowing, unless I forget to follow up on this. I guess we’ll find out later.
The band faced a challenge in their third album. Their previous record studio, a basement, was no longer available to them after the landlord sold it. They found the answer in Akron’s industrial history: a makeshift studio in a former tire factory.
Released in September of 2004, Rubber Factory received critical acclaim. It was the first of their albums to chart on the US billboard 200 (at a respectable 143). Stand-out songs include the two singles, 10 A.M. Automatic and Till I get my way/Girl is on my Mind, the latter of which being a double A-side. The duo rolled across the globe on a world tour, spawning a live album fittingly called Live in 2005.
The boys were doing pretty damn well. Enjoying the success of their previous album, they went on to finish up their deal with Fat Possum. The 6 track album Chulahoma: The Songs of Junior Kimbrough acts as a tribute to Bluesman Junior Kimbrough, who had previously signed on with the Chunky Marsupial label. Recorded in an Akron Basement, it’s a classy tribute to a good musician.
But the most important part of Chulahoma was that it set the boys free from the… pouch, I guess? Marsupials are weird. The point is, the boys could now sign on with a different label. And after Rubber Factory, they certainly had options.
The Fat Possum contract satisfied, the band signed with Nonesuch Records in 2006. Later that year, the band released a second live album, Live in Austin, which was recorded in 2003. The band also landed a few major advertising gigs, including Sony, Nissan, and Victoria’s Secret.
You’d think with all this new popularity, the band would go for a real, serious studio for their fourth album.
Magic Potion (2006) was recorded in Carney’s Basement.
I guess some habits are hard to shake. Auerbach was quoted as saying, “We like the sound of odd rooms. It's got concrete floors and walls. The upstairs floor is the ceiling. The mixing desk and computer are on top of the tool desk built by the old guy who used to live there.”
The band took the finished tapes, and had them remastered for $350.
When they were returned, the duo discovered that their master tapes had zero bass. In a move that Carney still regrets, the band went “Oh, Ok” and mailed them off to the record label anyway.
The album was their first to contain all-original songs, and included three singles: Just Got to Be, a pretty started Bluesy-Rock song. Your Touch which could also be a Victoria's Secret deal is a pretty straightforward Rock song. You’re The One is a bit more reserved, but not a ballad by any stretch of the mind.
It’s 42 minutes of their standard, Bluesy Rock and it’s worth a listen. It also spawned the band’s largest tour thus far, filling theaters and 1,000-seat venues.
In 2007, producer Danger Mouse began working on a record for one Ike Turner. Turner was an early Rock and Roll legend, and when Danger Mouse asked if The Black Keys would like to record a few songs for the project, they jumped at the chance.
Unfortunately, the deal did not go through. Later, in 2007, Turner passed away. The band was left with a scattering of material that they decided to use to build a new album.
Attack & Release, their fifth studio album, was born of this and produced by Danger Mouse. The band noticeably moved away from their “homemade” ethos by recording in a professional studio. They also hired an outside producer. Danger Mouse helped the band out with buttery-smooth production values and instrumental flourishes.
The net result was an album that debuted at #14 on the Billboard 200. This thing is a real Beaut’. It brings a whole new sheen to the Black Keys’ signature brand of garage minimalism. The band stepped out of their established comfort zone, and came through better than ever. I’m talking backing vocals, guest guitarists, flute players. Dogs and cats, living together. Mass hysteria. Hell, why not throw in a jaw harp and a bass clarinet? We’re getting creative here.
Front to back, this album is thoroughly enjoyable and remarkably clean, especially if you’re used to their more rugged early work. Check out the banjo-inspired riffage of Psychotic Girl, and you’ll understand. Fun fact: that song is certifiably catchier than syphilis. I Got Mine and Strange Times are fast, thumping, and should probably come with a speeding warning. Yet the Keys showed a softer side here too - Remember When is a beautiful two part slow burn, and the album’s final track Things Ain't Like They Used To Be is a silky, freshly-mowed Bluegrass duet.
The production quality on Attack & Release became a staple of all of their future albums.
Have you ever wondered about those crazy stupid instructions you sometimes see on everyday items? Like, Q-Tip instructions where they say not to put them in your ears? (Which is exactly what I do, because they scratch that itch so good.) Well, if you look at the cover of the 2010 album Brothers, you totally get the same vibe. It was a success, with two songs off of it - Tighten Up and Howlin’ For You - generating tons of buzz for the band. Both had significant airplay.
If I am completely honest here, Howlin’ For You was my introduction to the duo. I remember hearing it on the radio one day and thinking how different the sound was, and how fresh it sounded compared to the hillbilly-hey-ho kinda stuff that was then all over the airwaves.
In reality, the success of this album probably saved the band. Auerbach had been dabbling in solo projects and had let everyone know - except Carney. Carney had been going through a particularly shitty time, as his wife had cheated on him, stolen money, and lied to him repeatedly. He had just gone through a bad divorce (is there such a thing as a good divorce?) and his last important relationship was with his bandmate - who now wanted to do music without him.
Fuck.
Fortunately, the duo got their proverbial shit together and decided to keep making music. The title of the album reflects this re-commitment to the band. Brothers is darker, because Carney was in a dark place when it was made. The vibe of the record resonated with many. It won Grammy awards and gave the band some significant airplay and critical momentum. The boys went from being Indie darlings to mainstream music icons with this release. It has just been re-mastered and re-released for its 10th anniversary.
The slow burn of success finally peaked for the band with El Camino in 2011. Seriously, you have already heard songs from this record, as they had massive airplay. If you somehow have lived under a Rock, this is a great place to start for the band. If Brothers was their Rated R, then El Camino is their Songs for the Deaf. Tracks like Lonely Boy and Gold on the Ceiling and Little Black Submarines were everywhere. The album received absolutely universal acclaim, and anyone who doesn’t like it is a flat-earth QAnon supporter. Well, probably.
Perhaps one of the best things about the album is that instead of the classic title vehicle, the cover has a Plymouth Voyager. A van. With woodwalls, ffs. Anyone that knows any history of the band knows that the van there was a picture of the first vehicle that they toured in, making it the ultimate kind of in-joke. Carney, never one to be shy, compared the appearance of his home town to the cover of the album, saying that Akron was, “A busted up parking lot with a busted up car.”
But at least we know that van had good tires. It was from Akron, after all.
El Camino propelled The Black Keys from an opener to a headliner. They were soon selling out venues all over the world. To new listeners in 2011, they seemingly came out of nowhere. But to the eight early fans that had seen them (perhaps when they toured in that fugly van) this was the culmination of years of steady effort.
Now they had to prove to the world that this record was not a fluke.
Turn Blue, their eighth effort, came out in May of 2014. El Camino had been such a massive hit that the boys felt the heavy weight of expectations.
They did not disappoint.
Clearly inspired by Auerbach’s love of the Blues, this effort made numerous global top ten lists. Critics LOVED it. Tunes like Fever and Bullet in the Brain made you think you were listening to an album from the 60’s that was also somehow brand new. Their unique brand of Bluesy Garage Rock mixed with Psychedelia was unlike anything else out there. The cover art was supposed to be reminiscent of hippie mind control, and helped portray them as modern throwbacks.
The boys had truly found fame. They were now headlining world tours, selling out stadiums, and finding their way into mainstream culture. They performed for the third time on SNL. Carney was having twitter fights with Justin Bieber fans (I mean, not the worst thing you could do) and, somewhat to his surprise, this kinda shit now made the entertainment news. Even the album was announced in a tweet by retired Heavyweight ear muncher boxing champion Mike Tyson.
The Black Keys had a massive global tour in support of the record. They were on top of the world.
And they were very soon burnt out.
The constant grind of touring got to them. They got into music to make music, and felt that they were just too drained to do so.
So they took a break. A long one.
After a five-year hiatus where fans feared that they may never return, The Black Keys finally dropped Let’s Rock in June of 2019. The lead single from this album, Lo/Hi, was a gritty guitar-themed track that showed that this duo still had all the right moves, despite the long time between recording projects. The album itself is a scorcher. All of the songs were written by Auerbach and Carney in the studio, with neither of them bringing in anything pre-worked. They’d mess around with a lick or a theme for about an hour and if something in it clicked, they’d continue. If nothing did, they’d ditch it and move on.
This approach may sound similar to many QotSA fans, as it mimics pretty closely what Josh does with his parade of artists out at Rancho de la Luna when coming up with material for The Desert Sessions.
The title of the album was inspired by the execution of convicted murderer Edmund Zagorski. As he was strapped to the electric chair and asked if he had any last words, Zagorski said, “Let’s Rock”.
So now you know how the album got its title, and also why it has an electric chair on the cover.
I have no fucking idea why it is a pink electric chair, but the cartoon lover in me wants to think that it is because of the clearly pink zaps of electricity that the chair delivers.
Pink zaps or no, the band had a hit record. It was an international stand out, and remains one of their best recordings.
And I, like some of you, was going to see this goddam tour before COVID. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
I miss live music, and I for-fucking-sure am going to catch them the next time they tour. I encourage you to do so too.
Links to QOTSA
The Black Keys have shared a stage with QotSA a number of times at concerts and festivals. These guys are true contemporaries in the music world.
However, things have not always been super-duper between them. Patrick Carney has lit into Josh Homme and Lady Gaga in the same sentence. Commenting on Gaga’s song ‘Perfect Illusion’ (that our boy Josh plays guitar on) Carney has been quoted as saying: “I’m lost because the guitar at the top of it sounds so shitty...It’s like ‘Eye Of The Tiger’, but not even nearly as good as that. It sounds like Hulk Hogan is playing the fucking guitar.” Gaga was not shy about replying, saying about Carney that, “...he’s not as snarky as I would be, watching him in a guitar death-match w Kevin Parker and Josh Fucking Homme”.
Here’s the video for Gaga’s Perfect Illusion - judge for yourself. All I have to say is that I may have been high when writing this, but I’ve never been quite as high as her shorts are in this video. Somehow this song that involves intense crotch chafing in the desert has over 150 million views.
It is also notable that Mark Ronson and Josh Homme worked on this song together, and that Ronson went on to produce the latest QotSA album Villains.
Their Music
Next Girl - Godzilla looks way fucking bigger in the movies. But man can he sing.
Tighten Up - The most unbelievable thing about this video is that two grown men would be at a children’s playground without Karen calling the cops.
Howlin’ For You - Alexa Wolf: A Sexy Assassin With A Troubled Past. Also, I am pretty fucking sure she is a Cylon. Someone better tell Las Teclas de Negro.
Lonely Boy - Say what you will, but buddy here has some moves.
Gold On The Ceiling - You know the van at 0:08 is an Easter Egg. Blink and you miss it.
Dead and Gone - Just in case you missed it.
Fever - Auerbach looks more strung out here than a busted guitar. The cuts from actual TV Evangelist audience members make this video a bit creepier than it needs to be.
Turn Blue - Watch out for Hypnotoad. Oh SHI~ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD
Just Got to Be - The boys appear to have snuck into a rural elementary school gym to record this video. The song still kicks all kinds of ass.
Lo/Hi - I gotta say, the pink lightning bolt is a nice touch.
Strange Times - Lazer Tag: the game that is never quite as fun as you think it will be.
Your Touch - This video starts with the boys getting shot. Fuck, the mean streets of Akron are WAY tougher than I ever gave them credit for.
Show Them Some Love
/TheBlackKeys - just short of 7,500 members. Maybe if they had made that Mayo ad, more people would be in this subreddit. See, I told you to pay attention! That was totally worth it.
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##Wiki/Chapter list = First Chapter = Previous = Next
 
Xant found himself holding on for dear life, his body crammed into a vehicle it clearly wasn’t designed for. His tail was squished between the tall seat and the frame of the machine, his legs too far apart for them to sit comfortably in the narrow footwell, so he was almost sideways in the forward-facing seat, but that also gave him a clear view of its pilot’s insane method of ‘driving’ the shaking contraption.
Jasmine didn’t even need to look where her feet and hands were going, moving them simultaneously to shift in and out of gear by instinct, all the while singing harsh, deep-throated songs at the top of her lungs.
Xant had been observing the human since her revival, and while she had had her ‘aggressive’ outbursts, brought on through stress and despair respectively, to see her exercise such aggression was fascinating. She was entranced, focused on some unknown ‘enemy’ and screaming her pent up emotions at ‘it’. Xant had never seen such emotional power simply blasted into the atmosphere without worry or consequence, but he couldn’t deny he was caught up in the triumph and relief the song gave her.
With practised ease, Jasmine stopped the car at the base of the enormous craft, then gleefully jumped out to climb atop the roof again. “Up here, Xant!” she called.
The doctor squirmed his way out of the car and stood on the ground, looking up at the human. She pointed to a small thin ladder welded to the side of the ship’s stern. “We need to climb that to get on board.”
Xant stared at her and then at the wide jump needed to cover that distance.
“Is this another attempt at humour?” The human did laugh, so he supposed he was right.
“Well, we could always wait for Rynard to throw you!” She smiled, making a hand motion of hefting a ball. “Like tossing a dwarf!” She giggled.
Xant for the first time questioned Jasmine’s intelligence.
“Perhaps we left you in stasis too long…”
He quickly examined the gap. It was going to be an extraordinary effort for him to climb atop the vehicle, let alone cross the divide with his physical ability alone. He tried to mimic Jasmine’s method of climbing on the car, but his hands and feet were not able to find the small gaps her narrower ones could find. In the end she had to pull him up, and felt the roof bow with his weight. From up top the distance to the ladder seemed even greater. “How exactly do you propose we climb the ladder from here?” he asked her, but Jasmine was still riding the exhilarating high of being ‘thunderstruck’.
“Like this!”
Without so much as a run-up Jasmine leapt towards the ladder and landed with precision, her elongated limbs showing an agility Xant had not considered during the physical examination. “Let me reframe the question,” he huffed. “How exactly do you expect me to climb the ladder from here?!” “Oh it’s not that far, it’s barely a jump!”
“Zenthi don’t ‘jump’.” “That offer for Rynard to throw you is still on the table.” Xant scoffed, took a deep breath and rationalised the situation.
He was in a military-grade suit, so while his weight and aerodynamics would be affected, his strength was increased and any fall damage negated through the armour and pain blocker chems. So, even if he fell, the only thing that would suffer would be his pride. Another uncomfortable thought peeked through the rationale.
He said he wanted to follow Jasmine. This would mean having to keep up with her. He couldn’t do that if he forever deliberated his shortcomings.
Xant inched closer to the edge of the car and Jasmine helpfully reached out to him, hanging precariously from the metal bars. “I’ll catch you!” She encouraged him. Her arms closing the distance boosted his confidence considerably, and he swayed his body back and forth, ready to leap. This would count as the most adventurous he had been in the steel suit, forever wary of Rynard’s warning of torn ligaments. Xant closed his eyes and pushed himself forward, the suit multiplying the force needed to get him across and almost smashing into the side of the yacht. Thankfully, Jasmine was able to correct her friend’s trajectory and guided his hands to the ladder’s sides, which he clung to for dear life. Jasmine gave a loud cheer. “You did it! Way to go, Xant!” And she patted his shoulder. “Now we just have to get to the top! Did you want to go first?”
Once again, he looked at the human as though she were lacking in common sense.
“How do I ‘go first’? You’re clearly ahead of me!” Jasmine could only smile as she maneuvered so only one hand and arm were on the ladder, her body swaying in the open air, unafraid of the drop below. “There you go! Now you’re clear. I’ll make sure you don’t fall!”
Xant shuddered, flattened his ears and forced himself to climb up the ladder. He could almost feel the thin aluminum bars being crushed under the strength of the suit, but one step at a time he climbed higher. The top was open, no hatch or easy step, so he had to scramble his way over and landed with a thud. By comparison, he heard Jasmine’s light footsteps make quick work of the ladder, and she was soon helping him up to his feet. “Careful,” she teased “you’ll scuff the deck!” “Scuff the what?...” “Take off your helmet, you’ll see things clearer!”
Warily, Xant let the locks of his helmet click and examined his surroundings. It was an ‘open air room’, the floor layered like in his office, multiple steps divided for different purposes, with a deep pit made of what looked like blue plastic as the focal point of the main room. Jasmine threw her arms open. “Welcome aboard, matey!” she announced. “Enjoy the pool deck!” “Pool? Was this filled with water-” Xant took a step closer but his ears were tickled by the sound underfoot. He had assumed the floor would have been of the same steel or plastics the ship was composed of but no, underneath him, the entire floor was made of wood. The doctor spluttered, reaching down to the floor to feel it. There was more wood here than he had seen in his entire lifetime, and humans used it for *flooring. *
“Ooh yeah, nothing beats a pristine hardwood deck, that’s why I told you not to scuff it.” Jasmine smiled, walking towards the glass doors. “Let’s check inside! I wonder if everything is still here?” Xant followed her. The whole building catered to a human’s sensibilities. He would be stepping into a truly alien environment.
And it was beautiful.
He was welcomed to a room detailed with wood and gold, whose glass windows shimmered even in the dim light. Displaced furniture, long couches and tables made of wood, extravagantly painted cloth with the shimmer of arvas pupa silk gathered dust, their beauty was comparable to imperial belongings. He ran a finger over the cushions and inspected the thin layer. “Phew! What a mess. Help me clean it up a bit…” Jasmine began lifting up an over turned chair, sliding it into a corner with an almost innate knowledge of where everything should go. The chairs, a long couch and two armchairs had all been pushed into the corner of the room the tables had slid to either end. Xant was almost too scared to touch anything. “What should I do?” he asked, afraid to risk any delicate work.
“We’ll start by dusting off the chairs, then I’ll tell you where they go, okay?”
“Alright...”
The chairs were covered in a soft cushiony material. Xant couldn't stop brushing his hand over them as he delicately placed the furniture, and was dismayed when he saw none of them had a hole for his tail.
“I’ll need help with this!” Jasmine called. The space beneath a large window was taken up by a long lounge, on which Jasmine promptly plonked herself. “Oh my god…I missed cushions.” She patted the space beside her. “Don't be shy! Take a load off!” “Just a moment.” Xant tapped his suit. He couldn't contain himself in steel any longer, the temptation to feel his new environment was too great. The suit splayed open and he was able to step out of it onto fluffy, soft carpet.
Xant lost himself rubbing his feet on the soft fibers. First wood, now fabric? It was obscene!
His own carpet was a precious momento, why would humans consider a laborious resource worth turning into a construction material?
“Is something wrong, Xant?”
“The floor, is this a common fixture?”
“The carpet? I mean, the owner was a madman to have white carpet on a boat, but if you can afford something like this you’re not cleaning it yourself.” Jasmine shrugged. “Carpet’s not uncommon, but generally going out of style because it's so hard to keep clean.”
Xant was both relieved and perplexed by the answer.
“So the reason it is not more common is maintenance?”
“Yeah, keeping carpet, let alone white carpet clean is a nightmare,” Jasmine explained, happy to be talking about the mundanity. “If you think the carpet is amazing you should try out the couch here!” Xant looked over the seat. It appeared all human furniture had a tall back support, with no consideration for large tails such as his own. He did spy a more accommodating stool, however, with the same cushiony substance on top.
“I think this might be more appropriate.” He flipped over the stool and sat, comfortably, very comfortably. He let his body relax as he took in more of the surroundings through naked eyes. There were still so many things thrown about. Cleaning against the wall next to his seat Xant spied an intricately carved container. It was rectangular, heavy and for whatever reason, had uniform, pyramid-shaped protrusions on the outside decorative surely, but the design made it difficult for him to hold. He had to be very careful picking it up.
Jasmine's eyes lit up when he inspected the object more closely, opening the stopper to sniff the contents within.
It smelled of disinfectant.
“Oh my god, yes!”
The human scrambled off the couch and started rummaging through the shelves in the lonely island bench.
“Jasmine?”
“Ah ha!” she cried triumphantly, pulling out another uniquely shaped bottle. “Now this is going to be great!” She skipped over to Xant, picking up more glass rectangles, handed him an empty one and placed his original find on the table. She poured out an amber liquid, a drop in his glass and a more substantial pour in hers.
“What is it?” Xant asked.
“Old enough to vote,” she giggled, then closed her eyes and took a small sip before exhaling and shivering pleasantly. “This is...well, I'm guessing it's older now, but aged whisky, a.k.a, human alcohol.”
Xant wrinkled up his nose.
“Is it supposed to be this colour?”
“Yes! When you drink it, you can taste the oak barrels and honey. But I know you guys use this for disinfectant, so, you get a drop if you're brave.”
“Considering what it does to your physiology, I doubt my own constitution can handle it.”
“Shame.” She shrugged and took another sip.
Xant couldn't taste it, but watched as Jasmine melted into relaxation.
“Ahhh, like drinking warm silk,” she described.
He took a sniff of the sample she gave him.
It was woody and sweet, but the second sniff burnt the inside of his nostrils. Xant graciously placed the ‘drink’ down, while Jasmine chuckled at his reaction.
“Yeah it’s not a drink for a first timer, I think it gets even more potent the longer it sits… and who knows how long we were floating out there.”
“By my best estimates, it could be anywhere between 10 to 1000 [quarters]. Calculating in the unexplored regions of the system, what is currently reachable by galactic council gates and the limit of stasis pods.” Xant informed her.
Jasmine sat quietly for a moment, staring into her glass, before she threw back her head and the drink in one go.
“Whoooo!” She coughed. “Okay, we've seen this room, what else is there to explore!” She swayed getting to her feet, but charged forward anyway. Xant followed close behind, in case she lost her footing, or incase the alcohol began interfering with her Freq control.
The hallways connecting the chambers were very narrow, almost too narrow for him, and all of them had such sharp ascents and descents. The human led inside to one of the many inner chambers, each one as tossed around as the last. There was an entire ‘library’ of paper books, another room dedicated to the act of ‘entertaining’, featuring a destroyed dataslate the size of an operating table, and smaller ‘bedrooms’ that appeared just to be filled with more cushiony furniture.
“And here is the master bedroom.” Jasmine pushed open the ornate wooden doors to reveal yet another spectacular room, almost as large as the entertainment deck, but was sparsely furnished, all Xant could see was that it contained a bed with tables either side, but the bed was nothing short of magnificent. The tapestry stretched across it was nothing short of breathtaking, where giant intertwining flowers embroidered with gold thread sprawled across its majesty. He’d never seen anything as intricate made from pure cloth, the designs were simply beautiful.
“You really like that bedspread, huh?” Jasmine questioned. Xant ran his hand over the quilt, picking it up and feeling the weight of it, wondering what it was like to not be mesmerised by it all.
“Are humans always surrounded by such beauty?” he asked.
The question caught her off guard, and she looked around the room.
“Not always, but, at the same time, this is closer to what it’s like on earth than either the station or the base.” She held her arms wide as she took lazy steps across the room.
“Windows, pictures and paint on the walls, bedsheets and pillows...we like ‘beautiful’ surroundings.” She fell backward onto the large bed, rolling on the blankets and looking up at Xant. “You’ve got no excuse not to feel what the bed is like.”
Xant sighed, took a deep breath and mimicked Jasmine’s actions, letting himself flop forward onto the bed.
It was fluffy and soft.
“I think the sheet’s a genuine 1000 thread count too. Maybe I could make a proper cape out of this, huh?”
“It is absolutely fascinating that humans sleep on such luxury.”
“The lucky ones sleep on such luxury! But I do appreciate bedsheets after going without for so long.”
Her attention was shortening by the moment, as she rolled off the most comfortable place in existence to peek around a door.
“The ensuite!!” she squealed. “Oh Xant, you have to see what a real bathroom looks like!”
If the master bedroom was the most comfortable place in the world, then the ensuite was the most ornate. Xant couldn’t even identify what half the items were in the room, but they apparently all pertained to the simple act of grooming.
Long, wide mirrors lined one entire side of the room, double marble basins and chrome taps sat beneath them. Frosted glass windows, a bath big enough to fit four and a bidet decorated with gold made up the rest of the fixtures. Jasmine once again began rummaging through the shelves, making happy noises with every new discovery.
“Xant, hold out your hand!”
The doctor reluctantly did so, and Jasmine placed a small white blob in it. “Smell it!!” she insisted, fever in her eyes.
He took a quick and wary sniff, but the burning sensation he expected never came.
A fresh and vibrant perfume filled his senses, a sweetness he’d never known.
“It's jasmine hand cream! This is what my namesake smells like!” She dotted her entire arms with the cream and rubbed it into her skin.
“A moisturizer?”
“Yes! And here’s shampoo and conditioner, for hair, moisturizer, face cream, body wash, exfoliant, oh god please, oh please let the water be running!”
She dived for the taps to the bath, wrenching the handle as hard and as fast as it would go, but to no avail.
“Noooo,” she sobbed, hanging her head. “S’pose it was too good to be true, the water in the tanks would be dry…”
Xant curiously looked over the bathtub and jasmine could feel his freq overflowing with curiosity.
“So humans clean themselves in still water?”
“Well, soaking in the tub is fun, it's not exclusively how we clean ourselves, the shower is better for that.”
“So what is the difference between a human shower and our own?”
Jasmine pulled a disgruntled face.
“It’s the difference between a warm gentle rain and a cold pressure hose!” she exclaimed. “Oh, I wonder if we could get it running again…?” She absent mindedly lifted up a wicker basket, finding a few clothes the previous owners had left behind. “So, what do you think?” she asked, lifting a floral summer dress up over her figure.
“The patterns are beautiful, but, is it a cape?”
“No, it’s a dress! Hmmm, but I’d have to lose a few kilos for it to fit.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Well, I’m a little bit bigger than the supermodel who stayed on this boat, but nothing a few weeks of exercise and diet couldn’t fix. Since there’s no junk food I really don’t have the excuse.”
“Are you not already in optimal condition?”
“Pfffft! No, god no.” She pulled at her stomach fat playfully. “Too much good food and junk food makes for chunky humans.”
“Junk food?”
Jasmine grinned ear to ear.
“Junk food, food that holds almost no nutritional value but is all about taste, glorious morsels of sugar, salt and colour dye.”
“There’s a chance sugar could be found aboard this vessel? We’d need to destroy it if there is any intact, its addictive nature can destroy a Sulins inhibition perminately.”
“Well if it’s going to be anywhere on the ship, it’ll be in the kitchen!”
They headed down to the bottom decks and stepped into a stainless steel wonderland. Jasmine was in her element, running her hand over the many pieces of specialised equipment as Xant watched on in wonder.
They found a perfectly polished kitchen, filled to the brim with human utensils, and all of it for the sole use of producing food. Jasmine lifted a book from the floor and brought it over to Xant.
“Here, this is what human food is supposed to look like.”
The graphical fidelity of the pictures was phenomenal, given that they weren’t on a computer screen, but the colours and shapes didn’t even seem similar to what he knew as ‘food’. He had seen sculptures that didn’t have dimensions nearly as interesting as those of the consumables depicted, and there was page after page of them, dish after dish, each one a work of art.
She showed him the variety of knives on display and the stupid amount of cutlery for eating said food. This was an entire industry to these people, the production and skill devoted to it was…
Garish.
Jasmine stood before a giant set of doors, her hands hovering over the handles.
“This is a refrigerator, we keep perishable goods inside… I wonder if anything is still…”
She jerked open the doors and they were both greeted with the foulest stench. The rotting and liquefied remains of meat and vegetables slopped onto the floor. Sealed inside the fridge, the smell had fermented to overpowering levels.
“Air!” Jasmine shouted as she scrambled past Xant. “I need air!”
They ran up several stairs to escape the toxic gas and were able to breathe a sigh of relief once above deck. They appeared to have come out the other side, more couches and pools littering the area Jasmine made her way across to get to the bow of the ship.
She walked to its peak, then climbed over the safety railing to hold the spearhead.
Puffing out her chest and throwing her arms open, she proclaimed for the entire engineering wing to hear,
“I’M ON A BOAT, I’M ON A BOAT! TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK AT THE MOTHER FUCKING BOAT!”
An echo of uproarious laughter soon followed suit, a joke Xant wasn’t privy to, then Jasmine climbed back to join him.
“You know, I think I’m done for the moment. I need a break from all this excitement…”
She flopped herself down on one of the sunbeds, and Xant stood over her.
“Jasmine, I’ve been meaning to ask...”
“Go ahead?”
“All of this, it’s wonderful, but it’s nothing like the memory you shared with me. All this is pure opulence. Your memory was far more humble and comforting…”
“Well, that’s because this is a superyacht, and not a lower-income one bedroom apartment…” The human shrugged.
“So, what measure of wealth allows people to live such drastically different lives?”
“... I, dunno know, they're mostly owners of companies, corporations, kings, queens, people who run economies…”
“What expertise defines their worth to be that much more than yours?” Xant asked pointedly.
Jasmine faltered for an answer. While she could throw around words like investment portfolios and trust funds, she didn't actually understand the system as well as she would have liked.
“They study finance, have rich parents, inherited gold mines…luck, I guess? There’s many different ways to get there.”
“So, every human has the chance to attain this level of contribution credit?”
“No…”
“That doesn’t seem fair,” Xant remarked, finally lying down beside her. Jasmine stared up at the steel enclosed ceiling, reflecting.
“No it’s not, but it’s getting better,” she replied. “Slowly but surely, it's getting better.”
 
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